Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things - Part 5

Trailer the sixth: The Vampire's Assistant



Borrowing heavily from the Danny Phantom movie, The Vampire's Assistant tells the story of Darren, a boy plagued by teenage ennui who joins a freaky circus. The John Cryer character is replaced with a near-comatose John C. Reilly who not only invites Darren to fulfill every child's dream of running away with the circus, but also turns him into one of the lamest vampires ever, Edward Cullen not withstanding.

A sight less boring than Twilight, things actually happen in this movie as Darren embarks on a pseudo hero's quest. After first casting off the mortal bonds of family and friends, Darren must learn to harness is new vampire powers so that he has the courage to ask is mutant crush to the big dance. Guided by his Miagi-like boss Mr. Crepsely, Darren's constant shoveling of dirt helps him develop bowstaff skills which he then turns on Mr. Crepsely himself when he reveals his evil plot to turn all the teens in Riverdale into mindless drones.

The final showdown between Mr. Crepsely and Darren is a moment fraught with suspense. Will Darren free his circus kinfolk from Mr. Crepsely's iron grip, or will he, too, become another servant to the dark lord? But what could have been a redeeming ending to an otherwise pedestrian teen fantasy is tempered by studio interference when Darren's mortal friend Steve helps save the day, proving that friendship is more powerful than a thousand year-old vampire. Who can climb walls. And cut down trees with his fingernails.

DVD special feature: an audio book of Cirque du Freak read by Michael Wincott.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 2

Trailer the third: Carriers



Initially designed as a flu vaccine, TK421-THX1138 was mutated and weaponized by the US government. Now loose in America, the deadly virus kills everyone it infects and even brings some people back to life! Captain Kirk and his motley crew travel across the US looking for a safe haven but continue to run afoul of the infected. Things take a turn for the predictable when people start acting selfish and stupid and lie about coming into contact with the dead and undead alike. Tempers flare and the family unit falls apart when what was supposed to be Left For Dead: The Movie becomes a tense drama about love and sacrifice.

Alternate plot: it's really "The Stand" finally made into a feature film.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 1

We've all seen them, movie trailers that reveal too much about the film, or show all the best parts. Some trailers are so poorly edited that you can't actually see anything at all. And then there are the unfortunate cases where the trailers mislead us into thinking the movie is one thing when it's something else all together.

So with this in mind, I've begun logging my insights. Each installment of this ongoing project will feature a couple of trailers and my over-analysis of each. And as we move forward, we'll see just how much of a know-it-all I really am.

Some will say I think too much. I say, not too much enough!

Trailer the first: The Hills Run Red




It's a movie about people making a movie about them looking for a movie. That's two degrees more postmodern than average. Can our puny minds cope with all that self-reflexiveness or will the irony prove too much and reduce our sweet delicious brains to mush?

Four friends head into the woods to find a lost horror film. But not just any film, the scariest film ever. While searching out the director's cut of the Blair Witch Project, they are set upon by TCM reenactors who raided The Stranger's props warehouse. Eventually, the friends stumble upon the set of Hostel and are summarily dispatched with all manner of pointy objects. In a delightful twist that is not at all surprising we learn the film they're looking for is actually snuff and they have just starred in the sequel.

Alternate ending: The whole thing's been staged in an homage to April Fool's Day.

How does buddy know about this "scariest film" and why are the film canisters in the woods? We'll probably never know...

Trailer the second: Whiteout



I'm cheating a bit with this one because I've seen another, better trailer.

Researchers in Antarctica, living in a compound borrowed from The Abyss, call in US Marshall Kate Beckingsale when they find a body in the middle of nowhere, a place they were traveling to for no reason. When Marshall Kate arrives, her plane crashes in a storm which also knocks out all their communications. Stranded, with no one but general movie stereotypes to keep them company, the scientists decide to investigate a strange-looking patch of ice that shoots purple electricity. The investigation turns deadly when they awaken either a) an ancient evil, b) an evil alien, or c) Shoggoths.

Alternate ending: The butler did it.

Reading Way Too Much Into Things

Here you will find links to selected movie trailers and my over analysis of each. The first link will also provide you with a brief introduction to the project, which I don't feel like repeating here.

Enjoy!

Trailer the first - The Hills Run Red
Trailer the second - Whiteout
Trailer the third - Carriers
Trailer the fourth - Surrogates
Trailer the fifth - Legion
Trailer the sixth - The Vamipre's Assisstant