Essay: The Twilight of the Fools

I still don't get the apple.

November draws ever closer, and with it this year comes the theatrical release of New Moon, the second of the Twilight saga books to be adapted for the screen. Penned by Stephanie Meyer, the first book in the series, Twilight, came right out of nowhere and completely took over the young adult market. Releasing a book a year for four years, Meyer quickly reached J.K. Rowling-levels of fandom and made a huge impact on horror literature and television.

But Twilight is not horror. The Twilight saga is about vampires, but that’s where its connection with the genre begins and ends. Meyer herself admits to not liking horror movies, nor has she read any vampire books. Meyer has no interest in, nor is she familiar with, the horror genre, so how comes it that she’s written a horror story?

Women can't be trusted.

The answer is she hasn’t.

Twilight may be many things—a fantasy, a fairy tale, a romance—but it is not horror. Most interesting is the thing that would make Twilight horror, is the very thing that turns it against the genre. Meyer’s Cullen family of vampires are “vegetarian” meaning they don’t feed off humans—they are vampires divorced of their vampirism, living as humans live. They are, in the words of Zizek, “[the] Other deprived of its Otherness”, and it is for this reason that Twilight is not horror.

Horror brings our fears out of the dark. But Meyer’s neutered vampires prevent us from facing and overcoming those fears. Where vampirism once stood for disease, death, history, and transformation or mutation, all of which can be thwarted with an arsenal of Christian symbolism and a piece of wood, Meyer has stripped away the symbolism and weaknesses of the undead and replaced them with limitless perfection. You don’t fight against perfection, you strive for it.

Now that's a fucking werewolf!

In addition to tame vampires, the Twilight saga also features shapeshifters. Though the reading public and the media has generally labelled the shifters as werewolves, there is an important distinction to be made between the two. Shapeshifters change at will, werewolves do not. The original horror of the werewolf is an internal and ultimately futile struggle for control over the self. Meyer’s shifter, on the other hand, only struggles with his emotions and eventually becomes the best shapeshifter. So here again, the horror is eliminated, this time through the removal of the thing itself, and replaced with a coming-of-age tale of excellence.

A Mormon housewife and mother of three, who studied English Literature at BYU, Stephanie Meyer has gone on record saying that her religious values are partly reflected in her story. That’s not to say a Mormon, or any religious writer, can’t produce a horror story, but Meyer’s Twilight is not horror. The presence of vampires and “werewolves”, however, seems to be enough to make it so. The issue is one of identity and is not unlike the sex/gender dichotomy. Twilight looks like horror on the outside, but inside it’s all romance and suspense.

Google "vampire romance" and this is what you get.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things - Part 5

Trailer the sixth: The Vampire's Assistant



Borrowing heavily from the Danny Phantom movie, The Vampire's Assistant tells the story of Darren, a boy plagued by teenage ennui who joins a freaky circus. The John Cryer character is replaced with a near-comatose John C. Reilly who not only invites Darren to fulfill every child's dream of running away with the circus, but also turns him into one of the lamest vampires ever, Edward Cullen not withstanding.

A sight less boring than Twilight, things actually happen in this movie as Darren embarks on a pseudo hero's quest. After first casting off the mortal bonds of family and friends, Darren must learn to harness is new vampire powers so that he has the courage to ask is mutant crush to the big dance. Guided by his Miagi-like boss Mr. Crepsely, Darren's constant shoveling of dirt helps him develop bowstaff skills which he then turns on Mr. Crepsely himself when he reveals his evil plot to turn all the teens in Riverdale into mindless drones.

The final showdown between Mr. Crepsely and Darren is a moment fraught with suspense. Will Darren free his circus kinfolk from Mr. Crepsely's iron grip, or will he, too, become another servant to the dark lord? But what could have been a redeeming ending to an otherwise pedestrian teen fantasy is tempered by studio interference when Darren's mortal friend Steve helps save the day, proving that friendship is more powerful than a thousand year-old vampire. Who can climb walls. And cut down trees with his fingernails.

DVD special feature: an audio book of Cirque du Freak read by Michael Wincott.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 16 - That's Doctor to you...Doctor Acula!

Vampires

Suddenly, I want to watch Fright Night.

Truth be told, I saw this movie quite some time ago, but realizing I didn't want to ever watch it again, I wrote this entry back in April and sat on it till I caught up with myself*.

*I have since watched this movie again.

James Woods is a vampire hunter. Not only that, he was raised by the Catholic Church to be their premier vampire hunter; it's a little known fact that vampires exist, and the church has been slaying them since the 14th century. After finding and killing all the vamps in a nest, James Woods is somewhat perturbed that he failed to find the Master, the lead vampire. That night, the Master rises and arrives at James Woods' motel where he and his crew are partying. The master kills everyone, sparing Daniel Baldwin and James Woods, and bites one of the hookers. Also, he seems to know James Woods' name, for some reason. The prospect of having been sold out is a little disconcerting, but it takes a back seat to James Woods' vampire hunting. Using the hooker as a kind of remote sensor, James Woods and Daniel Baldwin zero in on the Master. With the help of a priest, the pair learn that this particular vampire happens to be the first vampire, and worse yet, was accidentally created by the church in an exorcism gone wrong. Valek, the Master of master vampires, is now searching for a special cross that will immunize him against sunlight. It's up to James Woods to stop this evil!

Spot the vamp.

Sounds promising, I know. It's based on a book, which I'm unlikely to ever read, so I'll never know if the story is really all that good. The film, however, in spite of having a lot going for it, is actually kind of dull. Even the action lacks, well, action. It's almost as if John Carpenter was already bored with the film before he started making it. I myself got bored watching it. It wasn't so much the watered-down action or the even more watered-down Daniel Baldwin, it was the overly simplified plot.

First of all, and I've already alluded to this, James Woods has been sold down the river. This doesn't bother him nearly as much as it should. Secondly, both James Woods and Valek come into knowledge way too easily. There are no obstacles in their way, no struggles to learn more about themselves and each other. The two adversaries literally follow a map to their final destination. The story has a lot of down time and the plot is uniformly (read: slowly) paced. However, you don't get the feeling, like with Memoirs, that a lot of the action is happening between scenes. Rather, everything in Vampires happens on screen--it's just that not a lot happens in this movie.

James Woods on James Woods: You have got to be kidding me with this shit.

Vampires has some of the look of and a lot of the sound of From Dusk Till Dawn, but none of the feel. James Woods quips from time to time, but the jokes seem out of place. The film takes itself much to seriously for boner jokes, and because James Woods is the only one who fires off the occasional one-liner, the humour is lopsided and end up falling flat.

*Upon second viewing, I've reassessed the humour and found the movie to be kind of funny. I think this is due entirely to James Woods doing his best to lighten the mood with his constant swearing, tough guy attitude, and off the cuff penis jokes.

A later entry in the John Carpenter catalog, Vampires is really more boring than crazy. On the plus side, it does feature a dig at Anne Rice: "[Vampires are] not romantic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents." Considering the film is so bizarre and Carpentery-yet-not, and co-stars a Baldwin, I have to side with crazy. And you'd have to be crazy to make a vampire movie boring.

craze-o-meter: 3.5, boring but nuts

I'm pretty sure this person does not appear in this film.

Film Review: Twilight

Were I to chose one word to describe Twilight, it'd be "tame". But I can choose may different words. Like "anti-climactic" and "one-dimensional" and "watered-down". Okay, so those are compound words but it's my choice.

I've read the books, obviously. Devoured them. And it was the movie that prompted me to read the books in the first place. And my friends. My friends told me to. Anyway, now I've finally seen the film.

Scene from Crouching Human, Hidden Vampire.

And, well, yeah.

Bella moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington, the rainiest place in America. There she meets and falls in love with Edward Cullen who's a vampire and that's pretty much the end of the story. At one point she's pursued by another vampire, James, which forces Bella into the protective custody of Edward's vampire family. James is vanquished, and Edward and Bella attend the prom.

Seriously, that's it. I mean some other stuff happens, but none of it is essential to a plot synopsis. Twilight the book is by no means a brilliant work of teen fiction. It's engaging and fun, but it lacks subtlety. The film, too, lacks subtext. There's nothing going on beneath the surface, no hidden desires, no secrets, not even a delayed gratification or payoff. I can't fault the source material. I believe it's a poor adaptation, not because the movie doesn't follow the book, but because it follows the book too closely.

Seriously, you shouldn't smile because if the wind changes, your face will stay like that. Forever.

Putting the book aside for a moment, I'll do my best to consider Twilight as is. And to sum up, even though I haven't actually said anything yet, the movie is a mediocre teen vampire love story at best. There is no real conflict, nothing stands between Edward and Bella, and the film lacks a real climax. Indeed, Jame's pursuit of Bella causes some trouble for the Cullen family, but James is easily defeated and Bella's life is never in any real danger. The movie moves from moment to moment, as Bella and Edward spend most of their time being completely insufferable, complaining about how much they're in love with each other.

The movie could have used a lot more of this.

In order for a film to succeed, it must engage its audience by telling a compelling story. And audiences are most interested when they can identify/sympathize with at least one character. Unfortunately for Twilight, neither Bella nor Edward are all that sympathetic. The lack of any real intra- or interpersonal conflict only further alienates the audience; when Bella is supposed to be in danger, nobody really cares about what might happen to her.

New Moon, the second book/movie in the series is in production and due to come out later this year. I'll see it, of course. I'm curious to see how they deal with Jacob, one of the few cast members who was able to play at least two different emotions (although his embarrassment might have had more to do with just being in the movie than being directed in the movie). But I'm going to set the bar low. Real low.

I google image searched "anitclimactic" and this was the first thing I got. A bit of a let-down, really.

Book Report: Twilight Saga

Is the apple a symbol of forbidden knowledge, or evil stepmothers?

At first there was confusion. I saw posters for Twilight before I knew what it was. I thought it was True Blood or something like True Blood. Then I found out it was a movie. I decided I wanted to see it.

But I didn't see it. I had dinner with Deb, instead. She told me the movie is from a book by the same name. In fact, Twilight is one of four books about a vampire love story. And everyone I knew was reading them.

Okay, two people. And they both raved about the books. I was already reading a love story* at the time (unusual for me, I generally read actiony/thriller type stuff or Jasper Fford) and didn't have room for another just then. But not too long ago I was faced with a long day of airplane rides--three in total--and bought Twilight on a whim for something to read on the planes.

You don't actually have to read Bronte to get it.

Two weeks later I was finished all four books. Everything took a back seat to Twilight. I did somehow manage to get my school readings done--I'd grudgingly lay my book aside to learn about one thing or another. But Twilight was always in the back of my mind. The last time a book took over so completely was Harry Potter, and Neverwhere before that.

Twilight is, in many ways, unlike either of those. Yeah, it shares a lot with 'em, too, but there's a certain amount of preachy-ness in the Twilight saga. Unfortunately, it kind of put a bad taste in my mouth and tainted my enjoyment.

Good taste.

A short list of the unsolicited moral and ethical lessons in the Twilight saga:

• swearing is unbecoming
• sex is okay as long as you love each other
• pre-marital sex is not okay even if you love each other
• you must never leave your family even if you think it's the right thing to do, because it isn't
  
• the Catholic Church is a patriarchal, power-hungry institution masquarading as a benificent orgainization of like-minded individuals
• all your problems can be solved by reading the right Shakespear play or Bronte novel

That's not to say that I didn't enjoy Twilight. I just didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. It's a story about freaking vampire love. I mean, come on! But in an effort to maintain a certain amount of wholesomeness and to keep her target readership between 11 and 15 years-old, Stephanie Meyer misses out on an opportunity to write a really compelling story.

At least, that's my opinion. Four best-sellters in a row will tell me I'm wrong, but I just think there's room for so much more. J. K. Rowling was killing people all over the palce, good and bad; Harry Potter's a complete asshole for a good part of the series; the line between good and evil was sometimes ill-defined, and her books were meant for a much younger readership.

She solves mysteries!

The overwhelming popularity of Twilight marks what I think is a resurgeance in vampire fictions. Though True Blood doesn't cast quite as large a net as Twilight, its success will likely help move vampires into the top spot, pushing out the zombies who've been the favoured monster for a while now. There's a cycle to these things, anyway. Anne Rice, Coppola's Dracula, and Buffy were all roughly contemporaneous. Then Romero came back from the dead. And now it's the vampires turn again.

Makes me wonder if there's a conspiracy to keep werewolves down. Dogsoldiers is an excellent film but never got the credit or the audience it deserves.

*read: romance novel

Acknowledgments: I'd like to thank my roommate who loaned me books 2-4, and especially that last one because he wasn't finished reading it. I'd like to thank Deb who encouraged me to read these books to begin with and, finally, I'd like to thank Mina who was in no way helpful when she said I'd start reading the whole saga all over again as soon as I was finished.

Half man, half vampire. All man. Wait. What?

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 2

For as long as I can remember, for as long as anyone can, the Andrews have lived at the top of the hill, but no one ever saw much of them until the oldest child, Martin, started at the high school. The story goes that the kids were home schooled or boarded elsewhere when they were young. There was no Mrs. Andrews to speak of, just the middle-aged doctor and his three kids. Martin was older than my brother and I but stories trickled down through friends about how much smarter he was than everybody else, how he didn’t have any real friends, and always wore the same black clothes. Some called him geek, others goth. Emo hadn’t been invented yet.

Gordon was in our year. I remember the first day of grade 9, when he walked into Mr. Malt’s room and sat down next to Bill. We all knew who he was of course, but we weren’t prepared for what we saw. Gordon was impossibly hot. Like his brother, he was encased in black from head to toe. No one could take their eyes off him but he met no one’s gaze. He didn’t say anything at all that day, or the next, in spite of everyone’s best attempts to crack his shell. Kindly inquiry to full-on bullying were all met with the same stony silence. Finally, on the third day, Gordon spoke.

“Excuse me,” he said to my back. I turned around. He was standing almost on top of me.
Omigodomigodomigod. “Hi Gordon,” I said.
“Never mind.” He moved past me down the hall.
“What the hell was that?” asked Kellie. We’d been talking before Gordon’s sudden arrival and departure.
“Beats me.”
“Totally weird.”
“I like weird,” I admitted.
“Yeah,” Kellie sighed. “Me too.”

***

Over the years everyone got to know Gordon and his younger sister Amy a bit better, though they still maintained their distance. We sometimes chatted in the hall, but we never hung out or sat at the same table at lunch, and he didn’t join any clubs. So when Gordon asked me and my brother over to his place that day in grade 12, he was still pretty much a mystery. Even when he gave us the tour of the house, he talked about other members of his family, distant relatives and friends, and gave up nothing about himself.

As we sat in the reading room, making up our flashcards I thought about what it all meant, this night at the Andrews’. Gordon had to have had a reason for inviting us. Did he like me? Was that it? I was the only person he ever really spoke to outside of class, if he had to speak at all.

“So what’s the deal?” Jonah blurted out. He did this sometimes, just to piss me off. Spoke my mind.
Gordon looked up from his flashcard. “What?”
“Do you like my sister? Because as her older brother, I feel a need to protect her honour.”
“Jonah!” I cried. He was really being an ass.
“Yeah,” said Gordon.
There was a pause. “Wait. What?”
“I like your sister. I like you too, because you’re exactly the same, but I like her more.”
I was smiling like an idiot. This was the single greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Thank you Jonah!
“And that’s a problem,” Gordon continued.
My smile faltered. “What’s the problem?” I asked.
Gordon turned to me. “I kind of, um, have this habit of fucking it up.” He looked at my brother. “That’s why you’re here. To make sure I don’t, you know…”
“Fuck things up?” my brother offered.
“Yeah. Plus your psychic connection would only cause problems for me later.”
Jonah I shared a look. We had no idea what that was supposed to mean.
“So Janey,” Gordon said and he took my hand, “I really like you, like a lot. And if your brother will allow it,” I rolled my eyes, but smiled all the same, “I’d like for you to go out with me.”
“I’ll allow it.”
“Shut up, Jonah.”
“Good,” said Gordon. “Let’s go.” He stood up, pulling me to my feet.
I was confused. “Go where?”
“Out. Well, actually up. We’re gonna go upstairs.” Gordon rounded on Jonah, “Not to have sex. You can come, too.”
“Yes, I think I will,” Jonah said, acting again like a huge ass.

Still holding my hand, Gordon led us up the grand staircase and down a hallway lined with portraits of severe-looking men and women. I didn’t pay much attention, I was so happy. Gordon, mysterious, gorgeous Gordon liked me! Then Jonah spoke in our secret language, breaking my reverie.
“That’s the man from the gate.”
He was standing in front of one of the paintings. It showed a man dressed, unsurprisingly in black, and his costume made him look vaguely clerical. Unlike everyone else lining the corridor he was smiling down at us.
“You’re right.” I leaned in to read the engraving on the frame. “But this guy was painted in 1752.”
We both turned to look at Gordon. “Who’s the priest?” Jonah asked.
“Uh, my great great grandfather.”
“He still alive?”
“What?” Gordon laughed. “No, of course not.” He continued down the hall.
But Jonah wasn’t satisfied. “What do you think? A descendent? A clone?” he asked me.
I played along. “An immortal?”
“A vampire.”
We stopped dead. It wasn’t so much what Gordon said, but that he said anything at all.
“Which is kind of like the same thing,” he continued. “only dead. Undead. So technically not alive.”
We were too busy to think about the implications of him being able to understand our fake language to process what he was saying.
“You…you can understand us?” I asked.
“Yes.” he said. “I learned your language.”
This was a level of commitment far beyond anything I’d ever experience. “How?”
“Never mind how,” Jonah cut in, his brain finally catching up with what was going on. “You said that guy’s a fucking vampire?”
“Uh huh.” Gordon looked at us warily. Was this what he meant when he said he wasn’t very good with girls? “You saw him outside, right?”
We didn’t say anything. What the shit was going on?
“Gordon, what the shi—”
“Janey,” Gordon interrupted. “I’m a vampire, okay. My whole family is. Are. We stayed out of sight until we could join you at school and blend in. I saw you the day your parents brought you home and knew you were the one. I watched you grow up, that’s how I know your language. I’ve been waiting a long time.”
“What?” Jonah and I cried out together.
Gordon took a step closer to me. He place one hand on my arm, the other on my neck. I couldn’t help it, his gentle touch made me quake. But his words scared me.
“We’re meant to be together.”
I tore my eyes away from him to look at my brother. Jonah grabbed my arm and pulled me from Gordon’s embrace. My dear, sweet, big brother.
“Stay the hell away from my sister.”
“I don’t think you understand. Your sister is going to be my consort. Forever. Now, I invited you here to explain it all and give you a chance to get ready. Because I want this to go smoothly.” He looked right at me. “Because I love you.”


Janey accepts her fate in part 3

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 1

or, A Twilight Dream of My Very Own. Inspired by a dream I had that was fueled by my subconscious' preoccupation with the Twilight saga, I've here written my own vampire story.


“Christ this is a steep hill,” I gasped.
“Never stop on an incline,” Jonah said. He passed me by, huffing and puffing his way up the hill.
“Who lives at the top of a fucking steep hill?”
“The private. The paranoid.”
“The Andrews.”
We shared a wheezing laugh. It was an old joke. The Andrews had always lived at the top of the hill. Every morning a convoy of cars would wind its way down the hillside, like a colourful metallic snake. And every night each section of the snake would slowly make its way home; Dr. Andrews was the great black head, Gordon and Amy were the middle, red and blue, and Martin was the shiny silver tail.
“Remind me why we’re doing this,” I said.
Jonah sighed, then took a deep breath. “Because,” he managed to say. “We were invited.”

Technically, I was the one with the invitation. It was all very sudden. Gordon Andrews found me at my locker between classes and asked me, point blank and right in front of my best friend Kellie, if I would like come over to study. “Bring Jonah, too,” he said and then turned around and walked away. I stood there speechless, slack-jawed, until Kellie shook me.
“Omigodomigodomigod.”
“Holy crap,” said Kellie.
Holy crap indeed.

***

Jonah and I are twins. He’s older by three minutes and he lords it over me whenever he can. But the truth is that we are exactly the same in almost every way. We like the same music, the same foods, hate the same people, and do well in the same subjects at school. We also take great pleasure in freaking everyone out with our weird twin powers—finishing each others sentences, speaking the other’s thoughts, and talking in our own made-up language. So when Gordon asked me to his house, it was only natural that I would want Jonah to share in the experience.

But for the first time in my life I didn’t want Jonah to be there. I wanted the Andrews experience—and Gordon’s company—all to myself. I’m sure Jonah knew this, but neither he nor I said anything. And in spite of my selfishness, there was really no way I could deny him a chance at glimpsing the inside of the Andrews’ fortress of solitude.

***

The road flattened out and stopped to catch our breath. We didn’t drive because our parents had, unfairly, gone out for dinner.
“Look at it this way,” Jonah had reasoned, “we’ll get to ride home in one of their cars. I hope it’s Martin’s.”
We walked along the road a bit and came upon a large gate. It completely blocked the road ahead and we guessed we’d reached the Andrews’ property line. The thing was very tall and made of wood and steel. We stood there a moment and then looked at each other. What now?

“Welcome.” The voice made us jump. It came from somewhere off the road, in the trees to our left. And then the gate slowly swung open and we stepped into a place no one we know had ever been.
The road curved around to the right. Just before rounding the corner, we turned to look back at the gate. As it swung shut I saw a man standing on the other side, smiling and waving. The gate closed and he was gone.
“Did you?” I asked Jonah.
“Yeah.”

We came round the bend and there the woods opened up to reveal the Andrews’ magnificent home. The place was a stone fortress, all gothic arches and mullioned windows. I loved it. Jonah, too.
“Janey.”
I turned. Gordon was standing nearby.
“I saw you coming up the hill,” he said. “No car?”
“Our parents went out,” I explained. I wanted to ask, how could he possibly see us from up here? The hill was wooded and the house didn’t look out over the road.
“Okay, well I can drive you home.”
I felt Jonah deflate just a little bit. No rides in Martin’s flashy car tonight. Gordon led us inside.

We were sitting in what he called the reading room, our books piled on a large table. The room was lined with bookshelves and some very comfortable looking chairs were placed here and there. The house was like an old museum, full of antiques and curiosities. One room had a display of stone busts, carved from colourful rock. Another was full of old and peculiar doctors’ instruments. In contrast to the richly furnished living and dining rooms, the kitchen was all modern stainless steel appliances and white marble countertops. Gordon explained to us where some of the things came from, family heirlooms and trips to Europe, but other questions he left unanswered. Like about a collection of butterflies on one wall, and what’s in the basement.

As we arranged our things on the table, I finally asked one last question about the house. “Where is everyone?”
“Around. Upstairs, I guess.”
Gordon hadn’t shown us the upstairs.
We did our math homework and made up some flashcards for history. It was all very normal. I didn’t know what I was expecting to happen. I guess I just thought a night at the Andrews’ would be more interesting than memorizing names and dates. Kellie would be disappointed. We had worked hard on my outfit.

Gordon Confesses in Part 2

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 3

Looking back, I wonder if I should have seen it coming. But no, there was no way. Gordon had never given any indication of liking me more than anyone else. I was shocked, flabbergasted.
“You what?” I said.
“I’m a vampire.”
“No, the other thing.”
“I love you?” Gordon smiled at me, giving me a patient look I sometimes saw teachers give small children.
“Um,” said Jonah. We turned to look at him. He was thinking hard, trying to find something to say that would make everything stop. But his mind was reeling and what came out was, “Does this mean you’re going to turn Janey into…into a vampire?”
“And you, too,” came the reply.
“But I don’t want to be a vampire,” I said, speaking for both of us.
“Fuck!” Gordon began pacing up and down the hall. “I knew this was a mistake. I should have just turned you. I should have just taken you. Shit!”

He rounded on us and we pressed ourselves against the wall. In an instant he was standing nearly on top of me, one hand on the wall between my brother and I. I was terrified of him and my sudden realization that I didn’t know the first thing about him only intensified my fear. So Gordon was a vampire. I thought I could handle a vampire. But seeing him all fired up, so angry when he was usually so calm, made me afraid.
“Gordon,” I breathed.
Jonah clapped a hand on Gordon’s arm. Gordon looked at him and lowered his arm. Jonah let go. And then Gordon pushed him. Jonah went skidding down the hall and came to rest at the foot of the priest. I moved to run after him, but Gordon held me against the wall. Jonah tried to get up but the priest stepped down on his chest, pinning him to the floor. Vampires were strong.

“Janey,” Gordon said. I looked at him. His expression softened and he looked again like the boy I was crushing on downstairs in the reading room. “I’m sorry. I lost my temper. I could never hurt you.”
I didn’t bother pointing out the contradiction. “I don’t know if I’ll still like you after this,” I said. It was a lame attempt at talking my way out of there. Of course I still kind of liked him. Even though he scared me and pushed my brother around. Love is, among other things, stupid.

Gordon smiled like he knew better. He took me in his arms, nuzzled and kissed my neck. Despite myself, I swooned just a little. “Now, are you ready to join me by my side as my bride of the night? Are you ready to be ravished, to be worshipped and praised by your first and true husband? Are you ready, Janey, to be with me?”
I scoffed. I couldn’t help it. “Where did you get that cra—”.
He bit my neck, cutting me off.

As he held me, as he drank my blood and my world grew dim, I looked to my brother. He was still on the floor, but the priest was bent over him, as if kneeling in supplication, and drinking from his neck. We locked eyes and together like this we died.

***

Jonah and I were physically and psychically stronger as vampires than we were as humans. But nothing else changed, really. We acted out being human for the remainder of high school and went through the motions of applying to university, slowly severing our ties to our family and friends. It was a horribly painful and drawn-out process as love persisted in some places. We moved overseas for a while to make it easier on our parents and ourselves, but we made sure they didn’t want for love from their children.

Eventually, inevitably, a day arrived when we were completely free from our past human lives. It was sad, sadder than I anticipated and the Andrews bravely, and, I thought, kindly, put up with two very morose vampires. The depression lasted for some time as we mourned our loss. And then we acted out, like petulant teenagers. Rebelling against the rules laid down by the Andrews, attacking people, breaking things. I turned on Gordon, who, true to his word, had never hurt me again either physically or emotionally. I taunted him, I blamed him, I threw everything in his stupid face. And then when I tired of that, I took to sulking. Jonah had moved on, accepted his new life, and tried very hard to reason with me. But I shut him out. I shut everyone out.

“Quit being such a drama queen.” It was Jonah. He found me in an attic.
“Piss off,” I said and moved some stuff around. The people downstairs thought they had a ghost. It was fun.
“Enough’s enough. Look, everyone’s been really patient with you, with us, but no one’s saying what needs to be said. You’ve turned into a huge pain in the ass. Gordon didn’t make you a vampire so you could sulk for eternity.”
Jonah threw a box against a wall. We heard the people downstairs muttering fearfully.
“This kind of fun,” he said. “But you’re a vampire, not a fucking ghost.”
Talk grew louder downstairs about excising the ghost. We heard footsteps in the hall below us.
Said Jonah, “I’m not leaving here without you.”
“What about Gordon?” I asked. I was afraid I’d gone too far, that I’d finally pushed him away.
Jonah motioned out the window. “He’s not leaving either.” Gordon was standing in the yard.
Below us someone grabbed hold of the trapdoor and started to pull. “I can hear talking,” a voice said. “I think there are people up there.”
“WHAT?” came the terrified reply. “Well, don’t go up!”
“Give ‘em a break, Janey.”
I could fight against Gordon and the Andrews all I wanted, but I couldn’t and didn’t want to fight my brother, too. It was like fighting against myself and fighting myself had landed me in a crowded attic pretending to be something I’m not. I kicked an old trunk and the trapdoor froze half open.
“I’m going in,” said the man at the door.
“Jesus, Leo.”
The door opened and Leo climbed up the stairs. He turned on the light but then Jonah and I smashed the bulbs. Leo turned on a flashlight. I had to hand it to him, he was prepared. The beam passed over the assorted junk and found us standing by the open window. We bared our fangs and hissed at him.
“Holy shit!” Leo cried.
“What? What is it? People?”
“Vampires,” Leo said. “Fucking vampires!”
Vampires, indeed.