Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things - Part 5

Trailer the sixth: The Vampire's Assistant



Borrowing heavily from the Danny Phantom movie, The Vampire's Assistant tells the story of Darren, a boy plagued by teenage ennui who joins a freaky circus. The John Cryer character is replaced with a near-comatose John C. Reilly who not only invites Darren to fulfill every child's dream of running away with the circus, but also turns him into one of the lamest vampires ever, Edward Cullen not withstanding.

A sight less boring than Twilight, things actually happen in this movie as Darren embarks on a pseudo hero's quest. After first casting off the mortal bonds of family and friends, Darren must learn to harness is new vampire powers so that he has the courage to ask is mutant crush to the big dance. Guided by his Miagi-like boss Mr. Crepsely, Darren's constant shoveling of dirt helps him develop bowstaff skills which he then turns on Mr. Crepsely himself when he reveals his evil plot to turn all the teens in Riverdale into mindless drones.

The final showdown between Mr. Crepsely and Darren is a moment fraught with suspense. Will Darren free his circus kinfolk from Mr. Crepsely's iron grip, or will he, too, become another servant to the dark lord? But what could have been a redeeming ending to an otherwise pedestrian teen fantasy is tempered by studio interference when Darren's mortal friend Steve helps save the day, proving that friendship is more powerful than a thousand year-old vampire. Who can climb walls. And cut down trees with his fingernails.

DVD special feature: an audio book of Cirque du Freak read by Michael Wincott.