Monday, 13 April 2009

Musing: Tornado!

I'm from a town where the words "tornado" and "warning", though they are understood, have no meaning when put together. Aylmer, which is across the river and up a little ways, gets hit by the occasional twister, but, in my experience, Ottawa does not.

And then I moved to north-central Florida. Tornado warnings are issued every other week. Like those pamphlets the religious fundies want to give you when they ring your doorbell on Saturday morning and pull you from your hangover-induced stupor, you take one because it's the polite thing to do, but you don't seriously consider the possibility of your soul being in danger. Because your religion has no hell. Or tornados.

Oh, THAT tornado!

I recently lived through the following:

Disembodied Voice: Attention, please attention. A tornado warning has been issued. Move away from the windows. Do not go outside. I repeat, tornado warning.
Me: Time to go.
Disembodied Voice: Are you stupid or something? I said tornado warning.
Me: And I said shut the hell up.
Upon exiting the library, I noticed it was a lot darker outside than usual. I'm very observant. I dialed Ryan because I knew he would answer the phone and not ignore my call like a lot of other nameless people who will go unamed (Julie).
Ryan: Word up, homie. Howz my biatch?
Me: Forsooth good sir.
Ryan: Dude.
Me: Should I be outside right now?
Ryan: Are you outside right now?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: Then no. There was a tornado warning, didn't you hear?
Me: Why does everyone keep saying that?
I hung up. Two against one. Ryan had sided with the voice. I went back inside. Moments later the heavens opened and the clouds hemorraged rain.

Lies make God cry.

So much for the tornado. Lying bastards. I got my metaphores under control and texted my roommate.

Me: can u pck me up?
Roommie: zzzz
Me: plz?
Roommie: k
Me: ttiq? [spell]

He arrived soon after that and, wearing my backpack like it was a baby harness carrying a laptop, I wove between the raindrops, picking my careful way over to the car. It took less than a minute but it was enough time for me to get soaking wet and nearly lose my shoe in a foot-deep puddle of mud.

By the time we got home, the rain had all but stopped.

If I didn't take tornado warnings seriously before, I sure as hell don't now. For me "tornado warning" will take on the same meaning as "windchill -35" which loosely translates to "wear a hat". I think I just need a bigger umbrella.

Now I'm craving soft serve. I wish this torando would let up so I can go to DQ.

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