Vamborgs!

News: Post No More

2009-12-02T14:30:00.002Z

Dear Reader,

Having given in to Count Vardulon's incessant pestering, I have migrated part of the content of Vamborgs! over to Zombots! and will no longer be updating this site. Please feel free to browse through Vamborgs! at your leisure, and I encourage you to visit Zombots! for film reviews, essays, rants, projects, and general horror miscellany.

With love from,
The Divemistress

Musing: Halfway to Halloween

2009-10-15T13:13:00.001+01:00

Since we're halfway through the month of October, I decided now would be a good time to rip off /r/movies and post a list of movie suggestions for Halloween. Not that it's never a good time to indulge in horror movies.

So here's a list of movies broken down by sub-genre.

Halloween Themed: Trick 'r Treat
Supernatural: Paranormal Activity
Vampire: The Lost Boys
Werewolf: An American Werewolf in London
Zombie/Infection: Slither
Alien: The Thing
Creature Feature: The Host OR Arachnophobia
Witchcraft/Demons/Arcane: Hellraiser
Religion: The Prophecy OR Prince of Darkness
Slasher: Halloween
Homicidal People: Cure
Violence/Gore: The Hills Have Eyes
Comror (comedy-horror): Zombieland
Random Foreign Horror Movie: The Cottage (British comror)

Why I said what I did: I've tried to combine some current movies with what I consider to be horror classics. I've made an effort to list films that scared me/grossed me out/made an impression and tried to think of some titles that maybe don't get enough exposure.

Picture Show: Seperated at birth...years apart!

2009-10-12T17:27:00.003+01:00

Instead of movie posters this time, I went with people. A recent viewing of The Seventh Sign got me thinking...could Brittany Murphy be Demi Moore's long-lost twin separated at birth and 15 years in the future?

Complaint Department: Paranormal Activity Already!

2009-09-29T14:16:00.000+01:00

I used to live in a big city and was never at a loss for films to see in theatres. Then I moved to an even bigger city that showed movies you never heard of. And then I moved to where I am now, the ass end of nowhere. I am simply aching to see Paranormal Activity, and considered just driving to a larger market--about four hours each way--but then realized I'd be reaching new, dizzying heights of fandom/geekery, to which I am not acclimated.

I'm an idealist, optimist--some might say naive. But there's also a cynical side to me, and I can't help but wonder if I'm slowly falling victim to a clever and protracted marketing campaign. I do believe the hype, that the film will scare the crap outta me (because I'm a sucker!), but what I can't believe is that Paramount is spoon-feeding one of the most anticipated movies in years to a ravenous audience.

We're talking monastic-levels of restraint.

By releasing the film one market at a time, Paramount is both creating and reinforcing demand as stories circulate in a widening pattern about how damn good the movie is. And about how it must be seen in theatres in order to fully appreciate and experience the film. I have no doubt that if the film were to go wide tomorrow, cinemas would be packed from coast to coast. But this creeping release is ensuring both Paranormal Activity's and Paramount's success. And that success is further bolstered by the fact that the movie failed all attempts at a remake. What we're seeing (or hope to see), what we're being treated to, is the original.

Though I hate the world and everyone in it because I live in a crappy town that's showing Medea on twelve screens, I can't help but admire and get swept up in Paramount's brilliant, if frustrating, distribution scheme.

Musing: Poor Taste

2009-09-28T09:23:00.000+01:00

In spite of the fact that 2009 is not yet over, and that frightening Jim Cary animated vehicle A Christmas Carol has yet to hit theatres, Rotten Tomatoes just released their list of 100 worst films of the decade. So I decided to check it out and knew immediately that his was going to go very badly for me. I've seen the first movie on their list. Then I checked out number one, and found, to my shame, that I've seen that one, too.

So here it is, proof that I have, uh, eclectic taste in film:

100 - Whiteout
Had free passes.

48 - BloodRayne
It was on TV. And I only sat through half of it.

47 - Soul Survivors
Seriously, it wasn't terrible. Predictable, but not terrible.

42 - House of the Dead
The only reason I didn't walk out was that we'd all gone to the movies in my car. I can't strand my friends in Kanata, can I? Can I?!?

31 - The Covenant
I think my roommate chose this one.

Is this a reason to hate The Covenant or to love it?

29 - Bless The Child
Uh, pass.

28 - Rollerball
Jean Reno. Jean Reno!

19 - Half Past Dead
Oh come on. It's a Steven Seagal movie, for chrissakes.

17 - Twisted
Actually, I'm not 100% sure I saw this. I get it confused with another movie that's just like it but the title of which I can never remember.

15 - Alone in the Dark
Omigod was this ever bad! Tara Reid as an archaeologist? Christian Slater as a whatever he was almost made up for it. Almost.

1 - Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
This proves that I will watch anything with Antonio Banderas in it. That includes ads for Marks and Spencer.

Yeah...no.

Essay: The Twilight of the Fools

2009-09-23T21:06:00.003+01:00

I still don't get the apple.

November draws ever closer, and with it this year comes the theatrical release of New Moon, the second of the Twilight saga books to be adapted for the screen. Penned by Stephanie Meyer, the first book in the series, Twilight, came right out of nowhere and completely took over the young adult market. Releasing a book a year for four years, Meyer quickly reached J.K. Rowling-levels of fandom and made a huge impact on horror literature and television.

But Twilight is not horror. The Twilight saga is about vampires, but that’s where its connection with the genre begins and ends. Meyer herself admits to not liking horror movies, nor has she read any vampire books. Meyer has no interest in, nor is she familiar with, the horror genre, so how comes it that she’s written a horror story?

Women can't be trusted.

The answer is she hasn’t.

Twilight may be many things—a fantasy, a fairy tale, a romance—but it is not horror. Most interesting is the thing that would make Twilight horror, is the very thing that turns it against the genre. Meyer’s Cullen family of vampires are “vegetarian” meaning they don’t feed off humans—they are vampires divorced of their vampirism, living as humans live. They are, in the words of Zizek, “[the] Other deprived of its Otherness”, and it is for this reason that Twilight is not horror.

Horror brings our fears out of the dark. But Meyer’s neutered vampires prevent us from facing and overcoming those fears. Where vampirism once stood for disease, death, history, and transformation or mutation, all of which can be thwarted with an arsenal of Christian symbolism and a piece of wood, Meyer has stripped away the symbolism and weaknesses of the undead and replaced them with limitless perfection. You don’t fight against perfection, you strive for it.

Now that's a fucking werewolf!

In addition to tame vampires, the Twilight saga also features shapeshifters. Though the reading public and the media has generally labelled the shifters as werewolves, there is an important distinction to be made between the two. Shapeshifters change at will, werewolves do not. The original horror of the werewolf is an internal and ultimately futile struggle for control over the self. Meyer’s shifter, on the other hand, only struggles with his emotions and eventually becomes the best shapeshifter. So here again, the horror is eliminated, this time through the removal of the thing itself, and replaced with a coming-of-age tale of excellence.

A Mormon housewife and mother of three, who studied English Literature at BYU, Stephanie Meyer has gone on record saying that her religious values are partly reflected in her story. That’s not to say a Mormon, or any religious writer, can’t produce a horror story, but Meyer’s Twilight is not horror. The presence of vampires and “werewolves”, however, seems to be enough to make it so. The issue is one of identity and is not unlike the sex/gender dichotomy. Twilight looks like horror on the outside, but inside it’s all romance and suspense.

Google "vampire romance" and this is what you get.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things - Part 5

2009-09-14T20:26:00.003+01:00

Trailer the sixth: The Vampire's Assistant

Borrowing heavily from the Danny Phantom movie, The Vampire's Assistant tells the story of Darren, a boy plagued by teenage ennui who joins a freaky circus. The John Cryer character is replaced with a near-comatose John C. Reilly who not only invites Darren to fulfill every child's dream of running away with the circus, but also turns him into one of the lamest vampires ever, Edward Cullen not withstanding.

A sight less boring than Twilight, things actually happen in this movie as Darren embarks on a pseudo hero's quest. After first casting off the mortal bonds of family and friends, Darren must learn to harness is new vampire powers so that he has the courage to ask is mutant crush to the big dance. Guided by his Miagi-like boss Mr. Crepsely, Darren's constant shoveling of dirt helps him develop bowstaff skills which he then turns on Mr. Crepsely himself when he reveals his evil plot to turn all the teens in Riverdale into mindless drones.

The final showdown between Mr. Crepsely and Darren is a moment fraught with suspense. Will Darren free his circus kinfolk from Mr. Crepsely's iron grip, or will he, too, become another servant to the dark lord? But what could have been a redeeming ending to an otherwise pedestrian teen fantasy is tempered by studio interference when Darren's mortal friend Steve helps save the day, proving that friendship is more powerful than a thousand year-old vampire. Who can climb walls. And cut down trees with his fingernails.

DVD special feature: an audio book of Cirque du Freak read by Michael Wincott.

Project: Do-Over Part 2 - Event Horizon

2009-09-13T15:09:00.001+01:00

But only a finite number of ways that terror can manifest.

An event horizon is the edge of a black hole, where everything disappears into the dark; it is the point of no return.

Forty years after its disappearance, the spaceship Event Horizon has returned and is in high orbit around Neptune. Laurence Fishburne and his crew are dispatched to rescue the survivors. But there are no survivors. The ship is derelict, a ghost ship floating in space. With the rescue team is Sam Neil, the man who designed the ship's special engine. The Event Horizon can open a black hole and travel beyond the limits of known space. Unfortunately for the everyone, the ship traveled well beyond the limits of reality. As the team explores the ghost spaceship, they begin to hallucinate, seeing things that aren't there.

The first time I saw this movie I was more confused than anything else. Though I understood the plot, I didn't really get it. I thought it was stupid the way everyone just accepted their hallucinations as truth. And the revelation at the end, that the ship went to hell, was too much. I was a bit more forgiving the second time round. The hallucinations, I now understand, are brought on by the ship's ability to get inside people's heads and exploit their guilt and fears. And the very reason the ship can do that is because the Event Horizon is, in fact, alive. Possessed with a life force of it own, the ship uses the people on board to carry out its will. And its will is to inflict pain and suffering.

Space has no religion.

When the original crew of the Event Horizon fired up the singularity drive, they traveled to an alternate dimension where they tortured themselves and each other death. When the ship returned from the "hell dimension" it brought that anima back. I either wasn't paying attention or didn't care to register this information when I first saw the movie. Now that I have a better handle on the actual story, I can say that it really isn't as stupid as I first thought.

What is stupid is that no one does anything about it until it's way too late. As the film progresses, as the rescue team slowly tries to piece together what happened to the Event Horizon, Sam Neil grows ever more unstable, but no one takes any action. They just continue to let him wander around. Additionally, other crew members are unforthcoming about their own tenuous grip on reality, which only furthers the danger they pose to themselves and everyone else. So though I find the heart of the story compelling in itself, the execution is just irritating. I won't go so far to say these people deserve to die, but they certainly don't help themselves any to survive.

Don't go toward the light!

What's more is that the mystery of the hell dimension is wholly underexploited. It's only toward the end of the movie that it's made clear to the audience what happened forty years ago, and this is done through the briefest of montages. The hell dimension is good stuff, but we're only treated to a few seconds of torment. If the film were to evenly distribute the mystery and the torture throughout, rather than pile it all on at the end, then we would have a more thorough blend of horror and sci-fi. The creeping atmosphere of the haunted ghost ship is good stuff, but it fails to carry the film.

Additionally, those few moments of torture show Laurence Fishburne's crew. This fleeting detail raises a question about the very nature of the reality of events on screen. Are people really wandering about the ship, or do they just think they are when in fact they're being tortured? What are people really seeing and doing when they hallucinate? Frustratingly, the film provides no answers, just explosions.

Be that as it may, I didn't hate Event Horizon the second time. It's certainly a lot creepier than I remembered, and the gore effects were pretty good. Also, the engine room that houses the singularity drive has this dark steampunk quality to it that appeals to me, and which is offset by the white-tiled liquid sleep camber and the stainless steel sick bay. Overall, the film's look and feel are effective, combining utilitarianism and art to create a place that is at once threatening and sterile. The CGI has aged poorly, but that's not really anyone's fault.

Given the opportunity, I'd probably watch this film again.

I'm not saying I like this kind of thing, but I could have seen more of it.

Picture Show: Dead Ringers

2009-09-08T15:13:00.000+01:00

Thanks be to r/pics/ for turning me on to this one.

Musing: All in the Meyer's Family

2009-09-06T12:15:00.002+01:00

You can't pick your family. That's why we have friends.

I have seen every Rob Zombie film. That's not a badge of honour, just a statement of fact. Has the man improved any over the years? I don't think so. Though H2 is significantly better written than House of 1000 Corpses, it still suffers from the same poor lighting and bad editing that has plagued all of Zombie's films.

I'm a fan of Halloween. It's a great movie and can still scare audiences 30 years later. Zombie's re-visioning of the classic story is drastically different from John Carpenter's original. Where Carpenter was careful to build suspense, Zombie went for the jump scares. Where Carpenter focused on his victims, Zombie told the story from the killer's point of view. These were complaints I lodged after seeing Rob Zombie's Halloween. Now, after having seen H2, I've changed my tune. Somewhat.

I had a hard time finding stills from the movie.

H2 is not terrible. In fact, it's a good deal better than his previous film. Its focus is more evenly split between Michael Meyers, Dr. Loomis, and Lori Strode, and the movie explores the relationship between Michael and Lori. H2 is a sequel in every way, it has the same look and feel as the first and furthers the story, albeit in strange and questionable ways.

Because I didn't hate H2 nearly as much as I thought I would, I figured there has to be a reason why. After much soul searching (I slept on it), I've decided that H2 is a passable movie in its own right. It tells the story of a lunatic murderer who kills his way across Illinois, driven by visions of his dead mother, to find his sister. It's not a bad story. But it suffers from being a Halloween film. Were H2 divorced from the Halloween franchise, were it a separate and independent film I can't say it would have been any better, but it certainly wouldn't have been any worse.

The Shape is less shapely in a long coat.

Project: Do-Over Part 1 - The Re-Do

2009-09-05T23:07:00.003+01:00

"If everything is terrible, then noting is."

I watch a lot of movies. Not all of them are worth remembering but still I'm plagued with persistent memories of films I didn't like. Inspired by Natsukashi, and in an effort to purge these movies from my system once and for all, I've decided revisit some of the worst offenders. Many of these films have been lauded by others--will I find, upon repeat viewing, the movie has improved with time?

That's not actually possible. A film can age poorly, but I don't think it can improve any the longer it sits on the shelf. No, the variable in this experiment is me. Have my tastes changed? Have I become less picky or more demanding of horror? Am I still afraid of the things that scared me years ago or have I come to fear something else? And does Eli Roth still piss me off?

I will do my absolute best to keep an open mind as I re-watch some of my most hated films. No mean feat, since I take great cathartic pleasure in subjective criticism. Calling upon my latent powers of objective observation, I'll judge each movie against itself and rate its quality based on competence in filmmaking and storytelling.

And then I'll decide whether or not the movie's actually any good.

Film Review: Inglourious Basterds

2009-09-04T22:21:00.002+01:00

Spell check enabled.

It took me a while to work up the, I don' know, nerve? to see this film. Nerve isn't really the right word. Spirit, maybe. Mood. Not for lack of want, mind you. I really wanted to see it. I like Tarantino.

Inglourious Basterds is Tarantino's most mature film to date. It follows the stories of Brad Pitt and his platoon of Jewish-American soldiers as they kill and scalp their way across Germany, as well as Shoshanna Dryfuss, a Jewish woman hiding in plain sight in Paris. The two plot lines coincide when the Allies plan to blow up Shoshanna's movie theatre, which Shoshanna herself is planning to set on fire. Her cinema has been chosen for the premier of Germany's latest propaganda film, and the Third Reich's highest a officers, including Hitler himself, will be in attendance.

More conventional than his previous outing, Kill Bill (I am purposefully neglecting Death Proof), Inglourious Basterds is told in linear fashion, beginning with Colonel Hans Landa's search for Jews hiding out in a French farmhouse, and culminating in the destruction of the movie theatre in Paris. Though Basterds isn't nearly as stylized or hyperactive as other Tarantino films, it doesn't lack for violence, as nazis are shot, stabbed, beaten, and scalped.

Ich bin ein Berliner.

Though Brad Pitt is maybe the biggest name attached to the film, Christoph Waltz who plays the SS Colonel Hans Landa is the real star. He is simply brilliant as the "Jew Hunter", a man who is extremely good at his job. I might also mention that, for once, Eli Roth didn't totally piss me off. He does only a minimal amount of scenery-chewing, though I maintain he does his best acting with his mouth shut.

Like with all his films, Tarantino uses Basterds to show off his mad dialogue skills. Following on the unfortunately garrulous Death Proof, the man seems to have finally learned the fine art of story editing. Interestingly, a good part of the film is in French and German, which makes the whole thing seem more exotic than it is. I speak French so the foreignness was kind of lost on me, but I can appreciate the effect. Additionally, not everyone in the film speaks every language, which creates and reinforces alliances between the audience and the characters onscreen.

I highly recommend Inglourious Basterds. Tarantio talked it up as a WWII spaghtti western, which is a complete oxymoron, but even he cannot break all genre boundaries. Basterds plays more as a war/spy/drama than anything else, though it is, at its heart, a movie about killing nazis. And who can't get behind that?

Now would be a good time to find religion.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 4

2009-08-31T11:33:00.002+01:00

Trailer the fifth: Legion

It's been years since Perfection was rid of graboids and the townsfolk have slowly put their lives back together. But then an escaped mental patient claiming to be an angel shows up at the town diner, and everyone tries really hard to ignore him lest they find themselves once again plagued by monsters. When an extra from The Exorcist III begins climbing the walls, the townsfolk decide they must face the danger head-on and finally confront the deranged angel. Borrowing heavily from the only decent prophecy movie ever made, The Prophecy, and the only decent Kevin Smith movie ever made, Dogma, the angle-cop patiently explains to an audience of colourful film stereotypes that the pregnant diner waitress is carrying a starchild and the archangel Gabriel has come to earth to steal its soul.

After a good half hour of set-up, Gabriel's arrival at the diner and the ensuing apocalypse is heralded by Mummy-style special effects. In an effort to introduce a new mythology into the quasi-religious prophetical horror subgenre, Gabriel's army of angels is actually a horde of blue-skinned aliens. This subtle nod at John Carpenter is overshadowed by a much more obvious Carpenter reference when the film switches gears and becomes a suspenseful siege movie.

The stress of the situation induces labour in the waitress and she gives birth during the apocalypse. Gabriel uses this moment to launch his final attack and the waitress, having recently finished reading Harry Potter, sacrifices herself to save her infant starchild. Love conquers all, Gabriel is vanquished, and the angel-cop adopts the baby.

Sequel: An insolent and rebellious starchild must face its destiny when evil aliens from the hell dimension attempt to wipe out all life on earth with another apocalypse.

Book Report: The Girl Next Door

2009-08-26T12:34:00.000+01:00

Not porn.

This was one of the harder books I've read. Not because of the writing, but because the content is so, I don't know. Objectionable? Horrifying? I can't think of a suitable word to sum up my emotional reaction to the story. Normally I rate the books I read on a sliding scale from "god awful" to "goddamn brilliant". But to call The Girl Next Door "good" seems kind of disingenuous to me. Don't get me wrong, it is good, but not in an emotionally fulfilling kind of way. Good, in an unrelenting emotionally tormenting way.

It is the late fifties and David is twelve years old. He's best friends with Donny Chandler, who lives next door, and spends most of his summer days hanging out with Donny and his brothers. Then recently orphaned Meg and Susan arrive on the block and move in with Donny's family. Ruth, Donny's mother, doesn't take to Meg and seems to resent having to care for her and her crippled sister. Over the course of the summer, Ruth's treatment of Meg and Susan grows ever more abusive but David is either incapable of or unwilling to make any moral judgements. Eventually, Ruth coerces her sons to participate in Meg's humiliation and soon most of the boys on the block are taking turns raining abuses on Meg. David passively watches the horrors unfold in the Chandler's basement until he is finally polarized into action.

The story leans heavily on themes of sex, gender, and authority. David, the book's narrator, is just a boy, but he experiences a sexual awakening--brought on by Meg's arrival--and he muses on his newfound sexual desires and curiosities. David's friends, too, are aroused by Meg and as the abuse escalates, it grows increasingly sexual in nature. Most of the atrocities are overseen and directed by Ruth. Ruth is the single mother of three boys and though she's a natural authority figure, she's also the cool mom and the neighbourhood boys follow her without question. Ruth's abuse--or better yet, perversion--of her power and authority over her sons gives depth to the abuse hurled at Meg.

I haven't yet decided if I'll read more of him.

In addition to being depraved, Ruth is also self-loathing and unstable. Though her mental degradation is painfully obvious to the reader, David has no frame of reference or way of understanding what's happening to Ruth. This kind of narrative irony makes the book that much more difficult. A pall of moral ambiguity hangs over the characters, and their judgement is clouded by confusion in David's case, sociopathy in the case of the Chandler boys, and mental illness in the case of Ruth.

It should be noted these are not meant to be taken as excuses. In spite of the fact that there is little closure to the story (which again makes the whole thing hard to digest), Ketchum is careful to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of everyone involved, including David. As David wrestles with the injustice of it all, so too does the reader and it is here, at the very end of the text, where the two finally meet on common moral ground. Interestingly, that meeting takes place in one final act of violence.

The book's unrelenting pace and description of the abuse heaped upon Meg should in no way be interpreted as commentary on desensitization toward violence. Rather, David and his friends simply don't understand that what they're doing is wrong. Set in the suburbs with the backdrop of post-war conformity and civility, the events depicted are all the more terrible because modern readers understand that mid-century America was a different place where abused women and children had little or no recourse to the law. At one point in the story Meg herself approaches the police but they fail to help and protect her from harm. The officer involved returns later on, but only at the behest of David's father, and his intervention comes much too late.

To be fair, the only reason I picked up this book was to prepare myself for the movie. I don't normally do this kind of thing--reading the book before seeing the film--but I was intrigued by the "true" nature of the story, and an article detailing the movie's release made reference to the book as one of the more horrifying reads of recent years. I'm only slowly getting back into reading a lot of horror, and I was never much into this kind of human-on-human subgenre, so I can't comment on how The Girl Next Door stacks up against other similar types. What I can say is that, in spite of my mixed feelings about the book's quality, I'm glad I read it all the way to the end.

I'm not exaclty looking forward to watching the movie.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 18 - Postmortem

2009-08-24T16:55:00.000+01:00

I spy with my little eye bat-shit insanity.

It's been a long, bumpy ride but we've at last come to the end of the John Carpenter crazy watch. And what a trip!

Things started off pretty tame with the decidedly uncrazy Assault on Precinct 13. Halloween was only a little bit nuts, but Carpenter bottomed out again with The Fog. Escape From New York broke the mold and earn the highest crazy rating yet, but as Carpenter gained ever more experience as a filmmaker, the craziness steadily declined, hitting rock bottom with Starman. Both Prince of Darkness and They Live were equally bonkers but the completely sane Memoirs of an Invisible Man forced a halt in craziosity. In the Mouth of Madness bypassed all previous outings and rated a 4.5 on the caze-o-meter. A sharp decline was noted in Village of the Damned but Carpetner's final three films, Escape From LA, Vampires, and Ghosts of Mars delivered more insanity.

Apologies for the hard to read graph.

It would appear that Carpenter's craziest film, In The Mouth of Mandess is the turning, or perhaps, breaking point. I argue instead that Starman is in fact what drove the man over the edge, and that Madness tracks only Carpenter's growing, uh, madness. Carpenter's films can be divided into two groups, pre- and post-Starman, and the films on either side of that line represent different kinds of insanity.

Beginning with Precinct 13, the film is completely sane not because of its premise--which is revisited in the unquestionably crazy Ghosts of Mars--but because of its execution. In spite of a few pacing issues, the film slowly builds suspense and its claustrophobic atmosphere suggest that Carpenter may well be a gifted filmmaker. Halloween is a lot crazier than Precinct 13, based mostly on a combination of story and execution. The film's psychology is slightly more complex, and the audience is treated to both the killer his victims' points of view. The Fog is deemed uncrazy because in it Carpenter has resolved the pacing issues that hindered his previous films, and the story follows in a logical and natural order.

Already crazy!

The group of films that follow The Fog, which include Escape From New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Litte China, and Christine are all half a point saner than the one before it, starting with New York. Here again, Carpenter is displaying his skill as a filmmaker, but the films in this group are all over the map story-wise. New York is crazy mostly because it's total departure for Carpenter. The Thing brilliantly muses on paranoia and isolation while delivering outstanding monster effects. BTLC is a campy Chinese fantasy-type story, and Christine is a straight horror story about an evil car. In each of these films, Carpenter's competence more than anything else is what keeps the insanity to a minimum.

Starman is, again, a departure for Carpenter. He's dealt with aliens before as well as people-out-of-their-element, but Starman is not even remotely close to being genre. Unlike The Thing or BTLC, Starman is a straight work-for-hire gig and the film could have been made by anyone. The lack of crazy is due not to Carpenter's skill but to the distinct lack of anything remotely Carpentery in the movie; Starman could have been made by anyone.

I refuse to post a picture of Starman.

Post-Starman, Carpenter returns to the horror genre with the Lovecraftian Prince of Darkness. The film is undeniably crazy. It's very creepy and has one of the greatest endings ever. Prince of Darkness is followed by the equally insane but tonally different They Live. It would appear that the lull in Carpenter's personal and professional development brought on by Starman forced a growth spurt of sorts. Though Prince of Darkness is extremely well made, this factor alone cannot mitigate the creeping insanity that has pervaded most of Carpenter's films up to this point.

The unfortunate Memoirs of an Invisible Man puts an abrupt stop to the insanity, but Carpenter again bounces back with is craziest film yet, In The Mouth of Madness. To watch Madness is to watch a man go insane, because that is the actual plot. But Madness is crazier than is is strictly necessary and though it too is Lovecraft-inspired, it lacks the polish of Prince of Darkness. Carpenter was not going crazy when he made this movie--he was already there. Village of the Damned could have been another Memoirs, but the combined powers of Carpenter's credentials and craziness prevent the film from being a complete write-off. With the exception of Escape From LA, the final films in the catalogue are very different from Carpenter's equally crazy but earlier films. The boredom or fatigue that seems apparent in Vampires and Ghosts of Mars, might be side effects of a lifetime of Carpenter trying to keep his growing insanity under control.

Disregarding the first three films in his career, in which Carpenter was fitting himself into the genre, examination of the data thus far shows a cycling pattern of mounting insanity, then a bottoming out, followed by a peak of craziness. The point at which he went insane appears to be Starman and not In the Mouth of Madness, though it is his craziest film. The pre-Starman films are all insane, but the insanity is balanced by Carpenter's increasing maturity as a filmmaker. Post-Starman, Carpenter has established himself as director and, with the exception of Memoirs and Village of the Damned, the craziness is expertly and overtly distributed throughout his films. The uneven distribution of insanity across the post-Memoirs group is attributed to Carpenter actually being totally insane.

What more proof do you need? Just look at him!

Complaint Department: Let's Agree to Agree

2009-08-21T17:23:00.002+01:00

My roommate and I.

Not too long ago, my roommate and I went to the movies. On the way there we had a talk about our likes and dislikes. My roommies and I generally like the same kinds of movies, but we don't always agree on what's good and what's crap. In the car, I mentioned Snakes on a Plane and how I thought it was pretty good. Donny loudly disagreed. He thought it was so stupid that someone could put all those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane. This kind of pissed me off--not that he didn't share my point of view, but that he objected to the premise and yet sat down to watch the film.

I make this face on a regular basis.

When you buy a ticket for a movie (or rent the DVD, or tune in, etc.) it's like you're signing a contract with the film. You've agreed to buy into the concept that, for example, a lot of snakes could be hidden in the cargo hold of an airplane and set loose on the passengers. Nowhere in the contract does it say that you have to like the rest of the movie, but you are, at the very least, willing to suspend your disbelief so far as the premise goes. If you find yourself balking at the possibility of such a thing happening, then why are you watching the movie in the first place?

If you'll just sign here, I'll take possession of your self-respect, sense of decency, and good taste.

Donny followed his Snakes on a Plane rant with an equally loud and disparaging comment about the motocross scene in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Again, Donny argued the action depicted in that scene could never happen. "It defies the laws of physics!", he exclaimed. "It's a fucking movie," was my brilliant retort. Donny explained that he had no problem accepting that three women made up an elite crime fighting team backed by anonymous millionaire, but he simply would not abide a film set in the real world that didn't adhere to the physical laws that govern this world. I explained that highly stylized movies like Charlie's Angels aren't really of this world and action movies in general routinely bend the rules in order to deliver a lot of action.

As if Drew Barrymore would ever sport a mullet!

This is what I call the action clause. Like the premise agreement, the action clause requires an initial willing suspension of disbelief. And if you can't buy Cameron Diaz starting up a helicopter while in freefall, then you're not likely to believe that Randy Emmers can fly his bike and shoot while inverted in midair. The action clause is usually backed up by the film's trailer--this is what made you want to see the movie to begin with. I, for example, refuse to watch The Final Destination. Not because I don't like the premise, but because I cannot for one moment believe that so many electronic and mechanical devices can fail on such a massive scale that it would lead to death by carwash or escalator.

I believe we need to be held accountable for our film-watching decisions. Watching a movie you know you're not going to enjoy and then complaining about it later just shouldn't be allowed.

Unless you're forced to.

Picture Show: I just noticed something

2009-08-21T16:15:00.001+01:00

My keen observation skills tell me someone's being lazy.

Picture Show: What's the worst that could happen?

2009-08-20T18:52:00.001+01:00

Holy shit.

Essay: Dance Magic Dance

2009-08-18T23:05:00.003+01:00

Let me get one thing out in the open: I don't know shit about dance. I like dance. I like to dance. But I can't speak with any authority, or even intelligence, on the subject.

About a year ago, I was having dinner at a friend's house when she and her mother both dropped their forks and turned their attention to the wall. On that wall was a huge ass TV, and on TV was So You Think You Can Dance. Exactly 30 seconds later I was staring in rapt attention at the most creepifying dance routine I'd ever seen. Up until this point, I loudly claimed the single greatest dance was Round The World. It was simply brilliant the way each group of dancers moved to a particular part of the music. Plus it had aliens and skeletons. But my mind was so blown away by the dark and haunting Hommage to the Rabbits, that Round The World moved down the short list to number 2.

And then I left town and promptly forgot about it.

Randomly I saw another few episodes of SYTYCD about a month ago and was treated to more dark fantasy- and horror-inspired dance. I've talked before about how horror is seeping into the mainstream; advertisers have produced genre TV ads for cars and beer, and half the books in the teen section at the bookstore are horror or horror related. And now to find that same darkness has successfully worked its way into contest-driven talent shows...

I think it speaks to the versatility of the genre, how it can be twisted to suit the needs of whomever. In the same way that horror movies can serve as allegorical or cautionary tales, the essence of horror, its look and feel, can be spread across multiple platforms. Interdisciplinary is one word for it, if we want to get really academic. In the specific example of SYTYCD (and one shining moment on Dancing with the Stars), the combined effects of movement, music, and costume transcend pop-cultural boundaries and gain mass-market TV audience appeal. I couldn't possibly imagine an evocative love-themed dance with 10+ dancers.

Oh wait, here's one:

Project: Insanity Plea Part 17 - Ghosts of Movies Past

2009-08-17T12:42:00.000+01:00

Ghosts of Mars

In spite of everything, it's not The Usual Suspects in space.

I saw this movie in theatres. For free. I kind of liked it, even though I knew it wasn't really any good.

It's the 22nd century and Mars is being terraformed. Presently, the population is made up of miners, criminals, and police. Natasha Hentsridge is one such police officer on her way to a mining colony to collect Ice Cube, an infamous murderer. When she and her small platoon arrive at the colony, they find the place empty. A lot of the miners are dead, even more are missing, and a handful of survivors have locked themselves into a jail cell. Eventually, the truth comes out--most of the miners were possessed by the ghosts of the long-dead Martian civilization and turned on everyone else. In an effort to save the survivors, Natasha Henstridge deputizes everyone, including Ice Cube, and they load up on guns as they plan to escape the colonly before they're attacked and killed. The only problem is that once a possessed body is killed, the ghost searches out a new host.

Clea Duvall's in it so you know something bad's going to happen.

Ghosts of Mars is a seige movie and borrows heavily from Assault on Precinct 13. But though Carpenter was a more accomplished, more mature filmmaker in 2001 than he was in 1976, Precinct 13 is actually the better film. Flat, with even pacing throughout and a delivered in a kind of monotone, Ghosts of Mars plods along creating no tension and building no suspense.

The film is framed by Natasha Henstridge delivering her report of events before a tribunal. By beginning the film in this way, we learn, right at the start, that everyone's going to die. That's not usually a problem if the whole point of the movie is to just watch people die in interesting or greusome ways, or to be emotionally maniupated by the filmmakers, but the deaths in Ghosts of Mars are so lacklustre (Pam Grier dies off screen) that the framing story appears to be completely uncessesary. When Natasha comes to the end of her tale, she tells a tiny lie but it is so insignificant that her honesty remains above reproach; at no point is the audience meant to think that Natasha Henstridge is being dishonest, thus there's no room for speculation on the nature of the events that have taken place, which just makes the framing all the more puzzling.

Marilyn Manson meets Boogeyman 3. Juiced.

Another strange move by filmmakers was to make the Mars social system matriarchal. This matriarcy naturally bleeds into the political system, meaning the planet is run by women. I can't for the life of me reason why this should be important other than to give creedence Natasha Henstridge's authority. But since the movie made a point of telling the audience that women are in charge, I'm almost offended by the film's demoting of Natasha by having her face off against some random demon and not Big Daddy Mars. Almost. Because the movie isn't all that good to begin with, I'm dismising the disappointing battle as bad writing.

The most unfortunate part in this sad tale is that Ghosts of Mars had, at its core, a pretty good story: human occupation on Mars discovers an ancient alien planetry defense that turns people into self-mutilating creatures of war. It comments on human nature, manifest destiny, the nature of the soul...I could go on. But the film doesn't quite get there. It also missed out on a good opportunity to deliver a downbeat ending but the film instead ends with Natasha Henstridge and Ice Cube wisecracking before wading into battle.

And oh yeah, there was life on Mars. A whole civilization, in fact. But that's not important. What is important is that this film was likely the gensis for Joss Whedon's Reevers.

craze-o-meter: 3, you'd have to be crazy to fuck this up

Mars camo pants: you can't see him from the waist down.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 3

2009-08-09T17:10:00.000+01:00

Trailer the fourth: Surrogates

In spite of my love for most things Bruce Willis, I can't help but comment on his upcoming film.

In a cross between Bubblegum Crisis, The Matrix, Dollhouse, anything written by Phillip K. Dick, and Robocop, people spend most of their time living as robots. Or, if you prefer, as living robots. It makes no difference were you put the adverb, the result is the same: people plug their brains into a machine that permits them to be themselves only in robot form. The benefits of this technology are made painfully obvious as everyone in the movie is good looking ans svelt.

Bruce Willis is one such personbot who may or may not actually be a real cop. His mundane existence is made much more exciting when people start dying--both as robots and as fleshbags. Now Bruce Willis must find a murder who is both cunning and well connected (pun intended!). The only problem is he's pushing 60 and the rest of the world is populated by 30-somethings who can't tie their own shoes without a computer. When the killer finally pulls the plug on the entire city, it's up to flesh-and-blood Bruce Willis to channel John McClane and shoot his way to the truth. The meta-narrative kicks in when we learn that Skynet is behind the whole thing and created Bruce Willis as an experiment to learn the value of life.

Musing: Comments Section

2009-08-08T07:31:00.004+01:00

So the other day I read, loved, and commented on an article on cracked. I do this kind of thing form time to time. Mostly my comments involve the words "love", "Swaim", and "you". But this time the hilarity was not the product of Swaim and I felt I had to write something other than my usual gushing admission of creepy, Internet love. So I just made something up that referred back to the article. Not the most original of posts, but still.

Fast forward a few days and I'm checking google analytics, tracking my pitiful stats. I noticed cracked.com as a referral, and that one comment in particular as the point of origin. So I had a look through the comments section and found this:

Yes, Zenobia! Yes!! So many times yes!

Project: Insanity Plea Part 16 - That's Doctor to you...Doctor Acula!

2009-08-07T17:39:00.001+01:00

Vampires

Suddenly, I want to watch Fright Night.

Truth be told, I saw this movie quite some time ago, but realizing I didn't want to ever watch it again, I wrote this entry back in April and sat on it till I caught up with myself*.

*I have since watched this movie again.

James Woods is a vampire hunter. Not only that, he was raised by the Catholic Church to be their premier vampire hunter; it's a little known fact that vampires exist, and the church has been slaying them since the 14th century. After finding and killing all the vamps in a nest, James Woods is somewhat perturbed that he failed to find the Master, the lead vampire. That night, the Master rises and arrives at James Woods' motel where he and his crew are partying. The master kills everyone, sparing Daniel Baldwin and James Woods, and bites one of the hookers. Also, he seems to know James Woods' name, for some reason. The prospect of having been sold out is a little disconcerting, but it takes a back seat to James Woods' vampire hunting. Using the hooker as a kind of remote sensor, James Woods and Daniel Baldwin zero in on the Master. With the help of a priest, the pair learn that this particular vampire happens to be the first vampire, and worse yet, was accidentally created by the church in an exorcism gone wrong. Valek, the Master of master vampires, is now searching for a special cross that will immunize him against sunlight. It's up to James Woods to stop this evil!

Spot the vamp.

Sounds promising, I know. It's based on a book, which I'm unlikely to ever read, so I'll never know if the story is really all that good. The film, however, in spite of having a lot going for it, is actually kind of dull. Even the action lacks, well, action. It's almost as if John Carpenter was already bored with the film before he started making it. I myself got bored watching it. It wasn't so much the watered-down action or the even more watered-down Daniel Baldwin, it was the overly simplified plot.

First of all, and I've already alluded to this, James Woods has been sold down the river. This doesn't bother him nearly as much as it should. Secondly, both James Woods and Valek come into knowledge way too easily. There are no obstacles in their way, no struggles to learn more about themselves and each other. The two adversaries literally follow a map to their final destination. The story has a lot of down time and the plot is uniformly (read: slowly) paced. However, you don't get the feeling, like with Memoirs, that a lot of the action is happening between scenes. Rather, everything in Vampires happens on screen--it's just that not a lot happens in this movie.

James Woods on James Woods: You have got to be kidding me with this shit.

Vampires has some of the look of and a lot of the sound of From Dusk Till Dawn, but none of the feel. James Woods quips from time to time, but the jokes seem out of place. The film takes itself much to seriously for boner jokes, and because James Woods is the only one who fires off the occasional one-liner, the humour is lopsided and end up falling flat.

*Upon second viewing, I've reassessed the humour and found the movie to be kind of funny. I think this is due entirely to James Woods doing his best to lighten the mood with his constant swearing, tough guy attitude, and off the cuff penis jokes.

A later entry in the John Carpenter catalog, Vampires is really more boring than crazy. On the plus side, it does feature a dig at Anne Rice: "[Vampires are] not romantic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents." Considering the film is so bizarre and Carpentery-yet-not, and co-stars a Baldwin, I have to side with crazy. And you'd have to be crazy to make a vampire movie boring.

craze-o-meter: 3.5, boring but nuts

I'm pretty sure this person does not appear in this film.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 2

2009-08-03T00:30:00.003+01:00

Trailer the third: Carriers

Initially designed as a flu vaccine, TK421-THX1138 was mutated and weaponized by the US government. Now loose in America, the deadly virus kills everyone it infects and even brings some people back to life! Captain Kirk and his motley crew travel across the US looking for a safe haven but continue to run afoul of the infected. Things take a turn for the predictable when people start acting selfish and stupid and lie about coming into contact with the dead and undead alike. Tempers flare and the family unit falls apart when what was supposed to be Left For Dead: The Movie becomes a tense drama about love and sacrifice.

Alternate plot: it's really "The Stand" finally made into a feature film.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 15 - Return to Crazytown

2009-08-01T02:12:00.009+01:00

Escape From LA

The man can surf fire!

For a long time I claimed that T2 was the perfect sequel. I still stand by that statement, but I'd like to add that Escape From LA is also the prefect sequel but in an entirely different way. Where T2 put a new spin on an old story, Escape From LA is exactly the same movie as Escape From New York.

Exactly. The. Same.

Fifteen years after Snake Plissken escaped from New York, he's back in custody and brought to Los Angeles, now an island where America sends all its rejects. The deal's the same, only the players are different: Snake must retrieve a doomsday device stolen by the President's daughter, which is now in the hands of a dangerous anarchist. He has ten hours to find the device and return to base else the disease now coursing through his veins will kill him.

Not pictured: Bruce Campbell, who's also in this movie.

Escape From LA is a bigger movie than its predecessor, but it's just as campy. Perhaps more so, as Kurt Russell surfs a tsunami through downtown and engages in a hanglide battle. Other than a few production-value related embelishments, the film follows the same plot as the first one, including the random death of a would-be lover, Snake having to engage in athletic competition to save his life, and him getting shot in the leg. The film is so aware of the fact that it's a carbon copy of Escape From New York, characters try to ensure against Escape From LA ending the say way.

But you can't keep a man like Snake Plissken down. And this time Snake makes sure there will be no third movie.

Yes, it's a car covered in doll heads.

Following on the disappointing Village of the Damned, it's hard not to give Escape From LA a crazier rating that it probably deserves. Carpenter is back on form with this one, exploring the same darker territory we've come to expect in his better films. Snake is a great character, completely unrepentant, and the world he inhabits is an oppressive and terrifying theocracy. Though I've argued that this film is exactly the same in every way to the one that came before, I have to say it's also a bit of an improvement. Where the first Escape suffered from a few pacing issues, LA smoothly moves from one scene to the next as Snake tries very hard to stay on mission but keeps running into trouble. Carpenter was a better, more experienced filmmaker when he sat down to Escape From LA, thus one is right to expect a more polished but no less crazy film.

The decision to just remake an old movie, to go with a winning strategy, I think says a lot about Carpenter's sanity. And his balls.

craze-o-meter: 3.5, just as crazy as the first time round, only more

Seriously, don't fuck with him. Just don't.

Project: Reading Way Too Much Into Things Part 1

2009-07-24T19:36:00.001+01:00

We've all seen them, movie trailers that reveal too much about the film, or show all the best parts. Some trailers are so poorly edited that you can't actually see anything at all. And then there are the unfortunate cases where the trailers mislead us into thinking the movie is one thing when it's something else all together.

So with this in mind, I've begun logging my insights. Each installment of this ongoing project will feature a couple of trailers and my over-analysis of each. And as we move forward, we'll see just how much of a know-it-all I really am.

Some will say I think too much. I say, not too much enough!

Trailer the first: The Hills Run Red

It's a movie about people making a movie about them looking for a movie. That's two degrees more postmodern than average. Can our puny minds cope with all that self-reflexiveness or will the irony prove too much and reduce our sweet delicious brains to mush?

Four friends head into the woods to find a lost horror film. But not just any film, the scariest film ever. While searching out the director's cut of the Blair Witch Project, they are set upon by TCM reenactors who raided The Stranger's props warehouse. Eventually, the friends stumble upon the set of Hostel and are summarily dispatched with all manner of pointy objects. In a delightful twist that is not at all surprising we learn the film they're looking for is actually snuff and they have just starred in the sequel.

Alternate ending: The whole thing's been staged in an homage to April Fool's Day.

How does buddy know about this "scariest film" and why are the film canisters in the woods? We'll probably never know...

Trailer the second: Whiteout

I'm cheating a bit with this one because I've seen another, better trailer.

Researchers in Antarctica, living in a compound borrowed from The Abyss, call in US Marshall Kate Beckingsale when they find a body in the middle of nowhere, a place they were traveling to for no reason. When Marshall Kate arrives, her plane crashes in a storm which also knocks out all their communications. Stranded, with no one but general movie stereotypes to keep them company, the scientists decide to investigate a strange-looking patch of ice that shoots purple electricity. The investigation turns deadly when they awaken either a) an ancient evil, b) an evil alien, or c) Shoggoths.

Alternate ending: The butler did it.

Essay: Scary Stuff This Sex

2009-07-22T10:23:00.004+01:00

The drill is his penis, get it?

Now I’m no prude, but I can’t help but feel that a lot of, indeed maybe too many modern horror movies are based in sex. It should come as no surprise that I blame the postmodern horror movement of the 80s and 90s for that one. Constant referrals to premarital sex in horror movies have inspired a generation of filmmakers to produce what essentially amounts to soft-core splatter porn. I fully acknowledge that sex sells and a good part of the horror industry is driven by this one simple fact, but there’s a whole other side to sex which I think is woefully under-exploited in modern, mainstream slashers: gender.

What I find most interesting is the fact that slashers in particular focus heavily on sex, while other genre films deal with sex and gender issues. Fatal Attraction, though it belongs to the nebulous suspense/thriller category, is about the fallout from a one night stand. Love Doll and Spiral are both about a man’s unrealized sexual desire for a female friend. And Teeth deals with repressed sexuality and uses sex as a weapon to defend against sexual predators. In these examples, sex helps to move the story forward, but gender is also addressed; men have a weakness for women, and women are fearful as the Other.

Wanted to plug this book. It's excellent.

Modern slashers have little to offer other than an eyeful of fake breasts. Admittedly I don’t watch these movies for intellectual stimulation, but the sheer amount of nudity in the new Friday the 13^th actually detracted from the film. Also the film’s treatment of the naked women was borderline offensive: recall Jason stabbing a topless woman and pulling her body from the water giving us one last look at her breasts before he disposed of her corpse. The original Friday the 13^th gave nakedness the same blasé treatment it gave smoking pot—as a matter of course. If modern films could somehow find a way to embrace the naturalness of nudity and sex, then their stories wouldn’t stall while characters abscond to the bedroom or the woods.

I’m not asking for anything intellectual or highfalutin. Indeed, all I want from a horror movie is for it not to be completely stupid and for it to have good effects. For me, everything takes a back seat to story, and unnecessary or crappy effects just piss me off. I’m not suggesting people cut the sex entirely from their movies, but if people would muse a bit less on tits and ass and a bit more on gender roles and gender differences, then maybe we can see a move away from tawdry remakes like Rob Zombie’s Halloween,and a move toward more original fare like Cherry Falls.

The worst offender.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 14 - Children of the Damned

2009-07-19T16:11:00.001+01:00

Village of the Damned

Needs more corn.

This movie is based on both "The Midwich Cuckoos" by John Wyndham and the screenplay for the film made back in the 1960. I thought that was a bit strange, but then again, I can't really remember how the old movie differed from the book. So maybe, this 90s version incorporates elements present in both?

Midwich is a small all-American town. Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens there and life is very pleasant. And then one day, everyone falls unconsious. Six hours later, the townsfolk wake up and a number of the women find, to their surprise, they're pregnant. All the babies are delivered healthy, save one who is stillborn. As the years pass, the children grow ever more strange. They all look alike, are devoid of emotion, and can control people's actions with thier minds. As people start dying, the townies begin to suspect the children, and eventually decide to take matters into their own hands. But the kids can read minds, too, and are wise to their plan.

And they all have the same bad taste in clothes!

Not gonna lie, though the story is pretty nuts, the movie is rather tame. It's not as dull as some of Carpenter's other work-for-hire gigs, but it's a definite step down the crazy ladder. Funnily, this film, more than any other I've watched to date, clearly draws a line between the script's potential and the director's vision. I feel like this film could have been a whole lot crazier, but Carpenter, for whatever reason, didn't pull out all the stops.

I think it's for this reason the movie fails to be any good. It's a bit painful, really, to see all that wasted potential, the lost opportunities. I'm so disheartened that I can't even properly finish this review.

craze-o-meter: 2, oh what could have been, oh what never shall be

Would you trust this woman with your children?

Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-15T23:18:00.000+01:00

Poster 1 of 12.

I love Harry Potter. I love the books and I love the movies. But I'm beginning to feel like I'm going through the motions, seeing these films. That's not to say this movie isn't well made or exciting to watch...maybe I'm just maturing as a film watcher and film lover?

Not likely.

So our friends Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in their 6th year at Hogwarts and these are trying times for everyone. The wizarding world has woken up to the fact that Voldermort is alive and poses a real threat to wizards and muggles alike. Dumbledore enlists Harry to help him extract a precious memory from the new potions master, one that will help them win the fight against Voldemort. But the man is not forthcoming. Meanwhile, Snape and Malfoy engage in some shady Diagon Alley dealings that have terrible consequences. And on top of everything else, the triumvirate have to deal with raging hormones and broken hearts.

I read it for the articles.

To be perfectly honest, I don't remeber the book all that well so I can't really comment on the adaptation. But I can comment on the story told on screen. At the beginning of the movie, dark wizards attack London but this interesting twist to the story--the very real threat of dark magic to non-magical folk--isn't explored any further. Is it a set-up for film 7? I hope not because that kind of stuff really pisses me off. I'm not watching film 7, I'm watching film 6. I know most the story is focused on Harry and Hogwarts, but the main plot could have only been enhanced by following up on the events taking place in the muggle world.

The drama is balanced with humour as Harry and friends become entangled in affairs of the heart. This is the book/flim in which Harry and Ginny finally get together, and get together they do in the sublest, most downplayed of ways. But it is cute and fun to watch. And Ron's obsessive girlfriend Lavender is pretty funny.

The evil comes...and goes.

It might seem like I didn't really enjoy this movie, but in truth, I really did. The films continue down the same dark path that was introduced in the third movie. Creative decisions made in previous HP installments are seen again Half-Blood Prince, creating continuity and bringing Rowling's magical world to life. Perhaps this is why I feel like we're all just going through the motions as there's nothing really to distinguish this film from the last one. In the same way that Half-Blood Prince doesn't stand out from the rest of the HP films, it doesn't function independently as its own movie. And it doesn't really need to, this late in the game, but I doubt a casual viewer will get much out of it.

I really feel like I need to finish this review on a high note because I've criticized more than I meant to. I'd like to now formally state that the very best thing about HP6 is Severus Snape. Alan Rickman is always fantastic, but it seems like he was born to play Snape. The man oozes menace on screen and steals every scene. Happily(?) Snape has a bigger role in this film than in films previous and he easily upstages Helena Bonham Carter, who is also excellent. I look forward to his final performance as Snape with poorly concealed glee.

Unlike every other goddamn movie this year, HP6 is not 3D.

Review: Driving 11 Hours Straight on 5 Hours Sleep

2009-07-07T02:09:00.005+01:00

Me.

I don't recommend it.

Essay: Unsolicited Advice

2009-07-02T18:43:00.000+01:00

If you can name everyone in this picture, then you're a bigger geek than I.

I have friends. And not all of them are into horror movies. But every now and again, one of them will show curiosity and I'll provide them with insights and suggestions, easing them into the genre. With encouraging words like "try it, you just might like it" and "don't be a pussy", I urge my friends to expand their cinematic horizons and indulge in a bit of inbred cannibalism or demon slaying or virgin killing.

And so, in the grand tradition of telling other people what to do, I've thought back on the advice I've doled out and come up with "The DM's list of 9 or 10 horror movies you should see because even if they're not the best, they're meaningful to the genre for reasons which I will explain".

Halloween (1978)

It might seem a bit of a cop-out to suggest Halloween. Frigging everyone wants you to watch Halloween. While technically not the first slasher, it was the first big successful slasher and woke people up to this new kind of horror movie. Halloween features a masked villain whose size, strength, and (relative) anonymity represents an unknowable evil, one that is both human and inhuman at once. Michael Myers is a man, but he's also a monster who stalks and kills for no reason we can understand. Halloween launched John Carpenter's career, and introduced Jamie Lee Curtis as the 80s' scream queen.

Scream (1996)

Another no-brainer. Scream introduced the world to self-reflexive horror cinema. Though it wasn't the first postmodern horror movie, it was by far the most successful. Scream's ironic set-up, in which the characters fail to understand they're living out a horror movie, ushered in a new sub-genre of horror and a lot of similar-style movies were made in the late 90s and early oughts. The film also brought Wes Craven back into the limelight. As a sidebar, Scream inspired a wave of horror spoofs.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

I do suggest seeing the original, but I'm advocating watching the remake. Most of the big horror movies of the 70s and 80s have been or will be remade, and most of those have done or will disappoint the audience in general and the original fanbase in particular. In spite of changes to the story, The Hills Have Eyes delivers the same gritty horror seen in the original and features one of the most hard-to-watch home invasions. Made by French filmmaker Alexandre Aya, the movie is a hard R, and when it premiered in 2006, nothing with the same quality or quantity of violence had been seen in theatres in a long while. All effects save one are physical effects.

Wrong Turn (2003)

Wrong Turn came out at a time when most horror movies were about mutated animals, supernatural killers, or pop culture. What this movie offered instead was a return to simpler times; Wrong Turn is a back-to-basics horror film in which a group of people must either outwit or outrun a family of inbred cannibals. That's it. The film makes no comment on society or culture, and the story is about as simple and straightforward as it gets.

It (1990)

A made for TV movie, It might not have the best effects or the biggest scares, but it did frighten a whole generation of kids. Tim Curry is absolutely terrifying as Pennywise, the penultimate evil clown. Though a large number of Stephen King stories have been adapted for the big screen, It was the second to be rewritten for TV, and it's success lead to more and more television gigs. Both the book and mini-series suffer from a disappointing ending, but it's really more about the journey than the destination. It was nominated for two Emmys and won one, and is being remade as an R-rated theatrical release.

Braindead a.k.a. Dead Alive (1992)

Long before he won a hundred Oscars for LOTR, Peter Jackson recieved money from the New Zealand government to make Braindead. Better known as Dead Alive in North America, Braindead won 13 assorted awards and holds the title of being the goriest movie ever made. Both funny and disgusting, this movie is referenced in Jackson's King Kong. It's cult, it's camp, and it's a staple of the genre.

Audition (1999)

I have seen exactly two Takashi Miike films, neither of which are Audition. Miike is perhaps the hardest working filmmaker today and his films run the gamut from children's fare to ultra-violent. Though a lot of his work is unknown to North American audiences, Audition is generally thought to be among his best and most accessible. Also, like most all his movies, it's violent, gory, and hard to watch at times. You won't find anything like him produced in America. Eli Roth doesn't even come close.

Ju-On (2002)

To be perfectly honest, I simply don't know enough about Asian horror to speak with any authority on the subject. I recommend Ju-On simply because it is the scariest movie I've ever seen. Granted, the circumstances under which I watched this film had a lot to do with me being scared shitless, but I'm pretty sure if you are a) open to non-traditional storytelling, and b) subtitles, then you'll probably enjoy Takashi Shimizu's original Grudge. Note, this movie features a long-haird ghost.

The Thing (1982) and/or Alien (1979)

Both these movies feature monsters from another world. Monsters which we do not and cannot understand. The movies don't wax philosophical on the nature of life and evil, though the humans in both films are fighting for survival. Perhaps more sci-fi than horror, these two movies deal with themes not unfamiliar to the horror genre. Paranoia, isolation, and betrayal underscore the fear that comes with having to face the Other. The Thing is perhaps John Carpenter's greatest achievement, though it wasn't very popular at the time. Alien is among Ridley Scott's best work, and one of his few genre entries.

If only!

Project: Insanity Plea Part 13 - Do You Read Sutter Cane?

2009-06-25T04:28:00.010+01:00

In the Mouth of Madness

I think this poster sums up the movie better than I ever could.

I didn't understand this movie the first time I saw it and it scared me. I still don't understand this movie, but it doesn't scare me anymore. Not really...

Sam Neill is an insurance investigator asked by a publishing house to locate a missing author and his manuscript. The author in question is one Sutter Cane, a man who writes Lovecraftian-style horror but with the wide market appeal of Stephen King (weirdly, I identified him as more a Peter Straub or Dean Koontz type though I have never actually read or know anything about either one). Sam Neill is joined by Cane's editor and the two of them head to New Hampshire to find Hobb's End, the town where Cane is shaked up. Problem is, Hobb's End is not a real town. But they find it anyway. Things get really weird when Syles, the editor, starts telling Sam Neill that Cane is creating reality, which is backed up by the townsfolk who claim to be characters in a book. Weird turns to downwright fucked up when Cane himself explains that he's writting the end of the world, that he's opening a portal through which evil Lovecraft-inspired monsters will arrive on Earth and destroy humanity. Sam Neill escapes Hobb's End and destroys Cane's final and deadly book. Sort of. He also travels back in time, or maybe forward, and delivers the book to Charleton Heston. The book is published, turned into a movie, and the story ends with Sam Neill watching the film you just saw.

So very Lovecraft and yet so very not.

It kind of reminds me of that scene in Spaceballs where Lord Helmet and Colonel Sanders are watching Spaceballs. Only that was funny and this is very hard to understand. In the Mouth of Madness doesn't just play with the concept of reality and turn the film medium in on itself, it uses film to first deconstruct the notion of reality, and then to alter the reality of the story. And it is impossible to know where the break happens, where the movie becomes the story in the story.

That's not to say the movie isn't any good or doesn't make any sense. The move is pretty good and it does make a kind of sense. It feels more like a Carpenter movie should, with a slow build-up to an inconcievable or unstoppable horror. Desperation, perseverence, and monsters are all present and accounted for. This is the third film to deal with otherworldly evil, and the second to address isssues of religion and creation. It is the first to manifest alternate realities as human mutation. In the Mouth of Madness isn't nearly as creepy as some of his other films, but it is, by far, the craziest yet.

It also has one of the best disclaimers ever: "Human interaction was monitored by the Inter Planetary Psychiatric Association. The body count was high, the casualties are heavy."

craze-o-meter: 4.5, wtf?

This man will fuck up your shit.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 12 - Nick HOLLOWay

2009-06-23T23:05:00.000+01:00

Memoirs of an Invisible Man

He doesn't wear a hat and she's not a mermaid.

I saw this movie in theatres. I think I liked it then. I'm pretty sure I did. I don't much like it now, though.

Nick Holloway has no family and no close friends. He sort of lives his life from moment to moment, indulging in his narcissism. Through a series of unfortunate events, he turns completely invisible and must then evade capture by an obscure branch of the intelligence community.

Much like Starman, Memoirs looks and feels like a work-for-hire gig. There's nothing distinctly John Carpentery about this movie. Unlike Starman, it is less irritating to watch. I hesitate to call it a special effects extravaganza, but the whole movie kind of feels like a big showpiece for the effects house.

The northern California diet trims the fat and gets results!

It's strange to see Chevy Chase play it straight. And not like Fletch straight, but straight-no-comedy-straight. Okay, so he falls down once or twice but the film takes itself seriously, and asks the audience to do the same. The only problem is that Nick Holloway is not very sympathetic, and Sam Neill's villain is not that threatening. Truth be told, the movie's kind of dull and leaves you wondering if the best parts are happening off screen.

Memoirs is a well made film, if a bit watered down. It certainly isn't crazy. Not by a long shot.

craze-o-meter: 0, [insert witticism]

I'm kinda wishing I'd watched Darkman instead.

Musing: Sid Haig Has a Lot of Teeth

2009-06-23T04:05:00.003+01:00

Just look at him!

Book Report: Monster Island and Jack & Jill

2009-06-19T21:30:00.009+01:00

Crazy shit!

I recently just finished two books. One of them wasn't bad. The other wasn't good. Interestingly, both used the same storytelling technique of switching between first and third person narratives. Never in my life had I read a book that did this, and now I've two. At the same time.

Monster Island, by David Wellington, tells the story of Dekalb and a group of teen-aged female soldiers from Somalia who travel to New York City in search of AIDS medication for a Somali warlord. The only thing standing in their way are the zombified citizens of NYC. Dekalb's story is told in the first person, but partway through the book, the narrative changes gears and the focus shifts to a third person description of Gary, a newly dead, and his experiences.

Jack and Jill, by James Patterson, is a murder mystery set in Washington DC. Detective/psychologist Alex Cross is working two cases, one is as high-profile as it gets, the other no one cares about. Patterson jumps back and forth from Alex's first person narraive and the killers' point of view, which are told in the third person.

Symmetrical book stacking. I do it all the time.

In the case of Monster Island, which I started reading first, I didn't really know what to make of the change in perspective. Eventually, I got used to it but it didn't really impact my enjoyment of the story. At the end of the book, it is revealed why the story is told the way that it is. That twist was something that did affect me. It almost ruined the book.

As for Jack and Jill, the story begins in the third person and then switches over to Alex Cross. And that's where Patterson lost me. I was, by now, familiar with the changing point of view, but Alex's character is so smug and self-righteous, I could barely stand to read him. The killers' stories, however, were interesting but sadly most of the book is dedicated to Alex's musings on evil.

Monster Island has two sequels, Monster Nation and Monster Planet. I'll probably read the second book. It will be interesting to see how Wellington creates a narrative seeing as how Dekalb is unable to chronicle his actions as he did when he arrived in NYC.

Patterson has written a number of books, but I'm unlikely to read another one. It was just that bad.

Where The Wild Things Are is one of my favourite books.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 11 - All Out of Bubblegum

2009-06-15T01:39:00.000+01:00

Not the they from They, a different they but they're no less threatening.

They Live

I reviewed * this movie a while back, so this long overdue installment will be rather short and with fewer f-bombs. Suffice it to say that although Carpenter did not write They Live, and that it is, in fact, based on someone else's story, it still feels like a Carpenter film complete with prolonged shootouts, minimal dialogue, and surprising editing.

Roddy Piper finds a pair of magic sunglasses that reveal to him the truth about an alien plot to take over the world. The first time I saw this movie, I missed the end. I've now see it all the way through and I can say that in spite of the fact that Roddy Piper does not ride off into the dawn, it still ends well.

It's got a very cool title sequence.

They Live is crazy, kind of like how Prince of Darkness and The Thing are crazy, but also in a different way. That actually doesn't make any sense. They Live presents us with a message about authority and free will, and takes a rather cynical stance on these issues. The characters of Nada and Frank, played by Roddy Piper and Keith David respectively, embody two different approaches to confronting and dealing with those in power. Nada learns the truth by accident and takes it upon himself to change his fate, although he has no idea what he's doing. Frank, on the other hand, refuses to listen to what Nada has to tell him. Similarly, Prince of Darkness showed both sides of the coin with the physicist and the priest, and The Thing dealt with trust issues in the face of impending doom.

I prefer to chew Bubbalicious, but Hubba Bubba will do.

Is this to say that Carpenter's craziness is dependent upon his films' messages and themes? Probably. But then again, maybe not.

craze-o-meter: 3.5, like how I insist on crank windows in my car because I might drive off a bridge.

Proof that they live at Fox!

*Correction: the film is set in LA, not Cleveland.

Complaint Department: What's a "cube"?

2009-06-14T19:36:00.007+01:00

If you know what this is, please tell me because I have no idea.

In gearing up for the Transformers sequel, I just watched Transformers. Not gonna lie, it's a fun movie. I mean what's not to like about giant robots fighting each other? But the film's still got problems, problems that become even more apparent the more you watch. Big plot holes which I'm choosing to ignore, and little things. You can't argue with the little things.

For instance, they carbon dated the cube. That's not possible. Why? Because you can't carbon date something that's not organic. Also, they claim that Japanese cell phone technology is the best in the world, evidenced by Nokia. Nokia's Finnish. And the Challenger Deep is the deepest part of the ocean, not the Laurentian Abyss. It's stuff like this, more so than bad storytelling, that ruins a movie. I have no problem buying into alien robots, but don't tell me something that just isn't true.

NB: This dating method cannot be used on dinosaurs. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Okay, so maybe not everyone in Hollywood understands the intricacies of radiocarbon dating, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that something has to be made of fucking carbon in order to be carbon dated. As for Nokia and the world's oceans, it takes minutes to look that shit up. Mere minutes!

Recall the movie The Hills Have Eyes 2. In the special features a producer discusses possible shooting locations. She explaines, on camera, that when someone proposed they film the movie in Morocco, everyone balked at the idea because they were afraid of terrorist activity nearby. I like to think the special feature filmmakers were providing us with insight into exactly how stupid some people can be. Instead of confirming Morocco's location by looking at a map, they chose instead to conclude that Morocco is, based on it's non-English sounding name, somewhere in the Middle East.

The bottom line is you should never assume your audience is dumber than you. That's how you end up with forums like this and this. Granted, it's likely unfeasible to fact-check everything in every script, but if you're unsure of something don't just make shit up. Someone will know you're lying.

And will blog about it.

There are no stupid quesitons.

Road Trip: Killer of Birds

2009-06-01T22:32:00.001+01:00

The NORTH Carolina crusher.

Strictly speaking, my religion makes no room for reincarnation, but were I to be brought back, I'd hope to be a bird. I would also hope to be a lot smarter than your average bird and know better than to fly across the highway at windshield height while cars are passing by. Seriously, not long after entering North Carolina, I struck a small bird. And then I hit another one!

And I was beginning to really like North Carolina. Not long after leaving Virgina, I pulled a big U-turn on the highway because I blew right by Gravedigger. Gravedigger! Three of them, spanning decades, parked by the side of the road.

I also passed through Dismal Swamp--how could I not?--which is actually quite nice and tonight I'm staying in a place called Kill Devil Hills. Seriously. Look it up. And is it wrong that the best movie I've seen in a while is the one about the battle of Hampton Rhodes playing in the Mariner's Museum in Newport News?

Swamps were called "dismals" back in the day because they were thought to be terribly depressing places.

Road Trip: Washington (the city not the state)

2009-05-28T19:22:00.000+01:00

I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but...

There is something a bit surreal about visiting a city you're currently reading about. In a book. Fiction. I've never read James Patterson before now. I've seen both Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider, and like them but not enough to push me over the edge and actually buy one of Patterson's books. And then, randomly, I saw a copy of Jack and Jill lying around and picked it up. It's set in DC, I was going to DC. I took it as a sign.

I might have waited for another, better sign. But I'm now resigned to finish the book. It's not that the story isn't interesting, it doesn't lack for intrigue. I just wish there was more of it. Anyway, I'm reading it now and in DC now and I walked by a hotel mentioned in the book. I saw it and thought, "oh hey, there's that hotel mentioned in the book."

We're not in summer school anymore.

Part of the story takes place inside the White House, but I'm not allowed in there.

I'm also a big NCIS fan. I know it's not actually filmed in DC, but it's fun to pretend. I could run into McGee any minute now. I probably wouldn't recognize him even if I did. As I've said at least twice on TheAvod, I'm bad at noticing who or what's going on around me.

A good part of Jack and Jill is set in a neighbourhood called Southeast, which, if the book is anything to go by, should be avoided. So my James Patterson tour of DC is restricted to museums and the zoo. I'm not yet finished the book but I'm sure Alex Cross ends up in at least one of those places by the end.

My next trip: adventures in the London Underground.

Road Trip: The Red Roof Inn

2009-05-25T22:37:00.000+01:00

Serpent Mound sadly did not blow my mind.

A friend of mine has a story about a Red Roof Inn. She stayed in one that had cowboy print wallpaper and a large (blood?)stain on the mattress. The only other guests were a group of guys having a bachelor party. She survived. I'm hoping to do the same. I'm minus the wallpaper and I haven't checked the bed for any stains. But I am in the last room way at the back. The fridge makes breathing noises.

Before I arrived at this charming spot in West Virginia, I drove across Ohio and did my very best to take in some culture and history by attempting to visit Serpent Mound. Unfortunately I didn't make it to Serpent Mound and this is due entirely to the imperial system of measurement. I did, however, buy some Amish strawberries. I also got to visit Mound City which is nothing like a city. It does have a lot of mounds, though, and I was humbled by the incredible amount of work and organization that went into building the burial mounds as well as by my shocking lack of knowledge about the Hopewell culture.

I drove through a town named Coolville, stopped at a Tim Hortons(!), and paid 35 cents to enter West Virginia. Not yet sure if it's worth it.

They taste even better without electricity.

Complaint Department: This Episode of Alias is Taking Too Long to Load

2009-05-18T05:49:00.008+01:00

It's like waiting for Godot, only with less closure.

This episode of Alias is taking too long to load. Seriously, I've been watching for like an hour and it's only 40 minutes long. 40 minutes! I feel cheated twice over. What happened to those other two minutes? Did they run out of stuff to cram into the episode? Unlikely since each ep features a minimum of 3 ops, five fights, and four minutes of Jennifer Garner moping. And this is only the second episode in a 17 episode season. The final season, as a matter of fact.

I suppose it doesn't really matter, anyway, since I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I'm 36 minutes in, that's 78 minutes of show so far, and I'm already lost. Vaughan is dead, Sidney's pregnant, and there's a frozen guy in the basement. It's got something to do with an old book. Or possibly a helicopter. I'm not sure.

This didn't even make the list.

I blame youku. What is the hold up, China? Just like Joss Whedon predicted, you own the world now. Can't you provide me with faster, better access to irritating melodrama? All I wanted to do was watch some Alias and go to bed. Instead I've spent my night flipping back and forth between cracked.com's "7 Lamest Attempts at Irony" and "The Fattest Texans" on TV.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere! There's a new guy who's a jerk. And Eric's leaving...or maybe not. There's a drop in the stream, dammit. Two seconds of precious dialogue are missing. I'll never know what Dixon said to make everyone so edgy. I bet it's got something to do with that helicopter or book.

Nope, it's the frozen guy. He's been stolen from the basement!

"Expect more"? More what, covoluted storylines? mouth breathing? menstrual pain?

Film Review: Star Trek

2009-05-13T19:58:00.009+01:00

Abrams loves lens flare.

I wanted so much to hate this movie. Actually, that's not even close to being true. I rephrase: I was expecting to dislike this movie.

I was forced to see this movie by Count Vardulon, who didn't end up going in the end. And while I was standing in line with Becca, we chatted a bit with the woman behind us. She labeled herself a trekkie and told us this was her third time seeing this movie. Third. Becca was very excited. I was cautiously holding back any feelings, positive or negative.

I was Vulcan-like in my stoicism.

See what I mean? Hot spots all over the place!

So anyway, we finally sit down and the movie finally begins, and I soon found, to my surprise, that I was thoroughly enjoying what I was watching. Most of my skepticism was based on the fact that JJ Abrams has great ideas but can't always follow through (i.e. Alias and Lost). Additionally, there's the fact that all Star Trek movies are bad. Even the good ones. But he's now managed to somehow break the mold and make a watchable, likable, Trek movie for trekkies and Star Wars geeks alike.

Yes, that's right. I said Star Wars. I love Star Wars, which goes a long way in explaining my initial dislike for most anything Trek (admittedly I did watch TNG--but who didn't?). But parts of Abrams' Star Trek read kind of Star Wars. I'm talking about one particular shot near the end when a black-costumed Kirk meets his enemy, Nero (who sadly does not play the violin). The moment is so Return of the Jedi, I can't help but think that Abrams was homaging Return of the Jedi. Even some of the music is kind of John Williams-esque.

There's nothing funny about the future.

But I digress. The real issue is whether Star Trek is good watching for fans of Star Trek. One complaint is that the movie changes the timeline and rewrites the characters' origins. According the chatty woman in line, this isn't a problem at all. Rather, she loves the new twist. To Abrams' credit, he covers his ass by explaining the new timeline established in the new Star Trek represents and alternate reality; original Trek is still intact, and exists in a parallel dimension. I don't know how well this sits with all trekkies, and the person who first complained at me about the timeline has yet to actually see the movie, but I believe Star Trek represents the best attempt to reboot a franchise without alienating or pissing off it's original fanbase.

Bottom line: Star Trek is a good movie, regardless of it being Star Trek. The story holds together, it doesn't pander to the audience, and it doesn't sacrifice content for special effects. Take that, Lucas, you bastard.

Sold!

Complaint Department: Horatio Cane

2009-05-03T14:46:00.001+01:00

These people hate you.

So this is the second time CSI: Miami has come up in this blog, and that's one more time than is strictly necessary. But while I was watching TV the other night, I was assaulted by CBS's plug for a new upcoming episode of the show everyone loves to hate. The verbal abuse was delivered, unsurprisingly, by Horatio Cane, lead investigator of the Miami-Dade crime lab. After arriving on the scene, which happens to be on location of a popular Bachelor-type show, David Caruso says, "Looks like reality just got real."

What?

We've all seen that 8 minute youtube video of Caruso delivering line after tedious line of ridiculous pronouncements. But this one has got to be the worst yet. Or perhaps ever. The line is so profoundly stupid, so insultingly postmodern, that I have to wonder if the writers are making a joke at my expense. I know Caruso's not the punchline--he's been spouting this crap for seven years--so it has to be me.

CSI: Miami hates its audience.

It's cool to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays!

I'll admit to hating reality TV, but that's my own issue. I fully acknowledge that all TV functions on the same basic principles and my favourite shows are, in a way, no better than my least favourites. But CSI: Miami has, with that one line of dialogue, managed to offend its viewers by claiming that it is better than every other show on television. This claim, I'll admit is buried deep in subtext, but it is there.

"Reality just got real."

Fact: reality TV is not real. It is constructed, like every other show, to give the impression of being real while delivering drama. When we sit down to watch, we willingly suspend our disbelief and buy into the proposed verisimilitude. It's like a contract--I agree to believe what you're telling me is real enough, so long as you agree to not pretend otherwise. CSI: Miami is a prime-time drama; the show takes itself seriously and, in spite of it's preposterous storytelling, is meant to be taken seriously by its audience. There is no room for postmodern, self-referential philosophizing within the context of the show--it simply doesn't fit the format. So when Horatio Cane remarks on the "reality" of the situation, David Caruso is proposing that I'm a sucker for believing in his show.

Scream and the postmodern

This shit just got real. I totally survived this wreck.

Postmodernism figures in film quite often and the self-referential nature of some films does nothing to break the willing suspension of disbelief. Scream, for instance, was postmodern in the extreme and was a big hit. Postmodernism on TV is, as far as I know, quite rare. There are certain episodes that are shows-within-shows, including one episode of regular CSI, but that ep was filmed from the point of view of the reality show and still took the premise of CSI seriously. CSI: Miami takes itself seriously, too, but it devalues both it's seriousness and false reality by claiming that it represents a truer reality than that represented on reality TV.

So, to conclude this overly pretentious and poorly-written installment on CSI: Miami, let me just say that no show should ever pretend to be more than it is. Doing so only alienates the audience. And pisses off everyone else.

This has nothing to do with my point. I just think it's funny.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 10 - Darkness and, well, more darkness

2009-04-26T14:17:00.013+01:00

Prince of Darkness

You can't do that on television.

I never even knew this movie existed until I started this project. The Count, for once, held his tongue, so I knew absolutely nothing going in. Climbing out of the Starman depression, I could only hope Prince of Darkness was at least marginally better than the film that preceded it.

And it was. It was.

The secretive fraternity The Brotherhood of the Sleeper exists for a single purpose: to guard an old relic that's been hidden beneath an LA church. When the last guardian dies, Donald Pleasence finds his diary reads about "the sleeper." He enlists the help of renowened physisit Howard Birak to help him crack the mystery of the relic and to figure out what the sleeper really is. Birak brings a team of students to the church but that same night the sleeper awakens and not only their lives, but the fate of the world is at stake.

Prince of Darkness, as the title would suggest is about Satan, or some kind of Satan-like entity, that's been hidden on earth and out of sight of the Vatican. What makes this particular end-of-days movie interesting is that it blends religious and scientific philosophy and neither takes precedence. Furthermore, it spins a new origin for the anti-Christ that is so brilliant, I'm surprised no one else has picked up on it and ran with it.

Album cover or movie poster? No one knows.

As horror movies go, this one is far from being the bloodiest or violentest, but it's got its creepy moments. Similar to Assault on Precinct 13, the students are holed up inside the church, surrouned by a strange an silent mob. In this case the mob is homeless people, led by Alice Cooper, but their silence and behaviour, as if they are waiting for something, are countepoint to the frenetic activity going on inside the church. Carpenter is in no rush to get to the point, so the quiet, murderous mob patiently contend with the curiosity and skepticism of the scientists.

The most unsettling part of all, though, is the dream. Eventually everyone who falls asleep has the same dream. They dream they are watching a video taken in front of the church as a man is exiting the building. When I came to this point in the film, something about it rang familiar. I'd heard that audio track before. At the very end of DJ Shadow's Stem/Long Stem that same audio plays and it's totally weird.

The anti-Christ would have to be made of anti-matter, right?

This film was made in 1987, so the effects, by today's standards, might seem a bit weak. Within the context of the film, however, they do their job and are so strange they further alienate the audience from fully understanding the sleeper. Which is really the whole point--what with all our technology, there are some things we don't completely understand. Also, there are still some things we have to take on faith. Science and religion walk a fine line in this movie, and though the audience is meant to side with science, it's belief in the supernatural necessarily permit the possibility of something else. In anthropological terms, the Other.

Mention of the Other brings me to The Thing, and my final comparison of Carpenter with Carpenter. I just mentioned themes of isolation and alienation in Prince of Darkness. The Thing was all about isolation, alienation, and paranoia. The paranoia in this film is practically non-existent because once people realize some of their colleagues have been possessed, it's too late to do anything about it. However, the audience knows, so the dramatic irony ups the tension a bit.

When Carpenter is on top of his game, he ends well. This movie's got a good ending. I say this because recently I've been dissapointed with movie endings. I suppose it's possible to read the end as an opening for a sequel, but I prefer to read it as one last kick in the pants--the characters in the film simply do not understand what they're dealing with, neither science nor religion has provided them with the knowledge they need to defeat the evil that's plauged them. The very last shot in the film is the most disturbing of all; the buildup of tension and the unfinished action leaves us worked up and on edge. There is no happy ending.

craze-o-meter: 3.5, crazy like Jesus

It would be so easy to go with Ozzie, but I'll stick with Alice.

Musing: Tornado!

2009-04-13T21:45:00.006+01:00

I'm from a town where the words "tornado" and "warning", though they are understood, have no meaning when put together. Aylmer, which is across the river and up a little ways, gets hit by the occasional twister, but, in my experience, Ottawa does not.

And then I moved to north-central Florida. Tornado warnings are issued every other week. Like those pamphlets the religious fundies want to give you when they ring your doorbell on Saturday morning and pull you from your hangover-induced stupor, you take one because it's the polite thing to do, but you don't seriously consider the possibility of your soul being in danger. Because your religion has no hell. Or tornados.

Oh, THAT tornado!

I recently lived through the following:

Disembodied Voice: Attention, please attention. A tornado warning has been issued. Move away from the windows. Do not go outside. I repeat, tornado warning.
Me: Time to go.
Disembodied Voice: Are you stupid or something? I said tornado warning.
Me: And I said shut the hell up.
Upon exiting the library, I noticed it was a lot darker outside than usual. I'm very observant. I dialed Ryan because I knew he would answer the phone and not ignore my call like a lot of other nameless people who will go unamed (Julie).
Ryan: Word up, homie. Howz my biatch?
Me: Forsooth good sir.
Ryan: Dude.
Me: Should I be outside right now?
Ryan: Are you outside right now?
Me: Yes.
Ryan: Then no. There was a tornado warning, didn't you hear?
Me: Why does everyone keep saying that?
I hung up. Two against one. Ryan had sided with the voice. I went back inside. Moments later the heavens opened and the clouds hemorraged rain.

Lies make God cry.

So much for the tornado. Lying bastards. I got my metaphores under control and texted my roommate.

Me: can u pck me up?
Roommie: zzzz
Me: plz?
Roommie: k
Me: ttiq? [spell]

He arrived soon after that and, wearing my backpack like it was a baby harness carrying a laptop, I wove between the raindrops, picking my careful way over to the car. It took less than a minute but it was enough time for me to get soaking wet and nearly lose my shoe in a foot-deep puddle of mud.

By the time we got home, the rain had all but stopped.

If I didn't take tornado warnings seriously before, I sure as hell don't now. For me "tornado warning" will take on the same meaning as "windchill -35" which loosely translates to "wear a hat". I think I just need a bigger umbrella.

Now I'm craving soft serve. I wish this torando would let up so I can go to DQ.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 9 - Starman

2009-04-09T23:47:00.004+01:00

Starman

What's that in his hand? It doesn't matter.

This might be the most boring film I've watched in a long time. The lack of action and conflict is reminiscent of Star Trek: Generations. Stuff happens, the movie ends.

Jeff Bridges is an alien whose craft is shot down by the American military. He crash lands in Wisconsin, assumes the form of Scott, Jenny's dead husband, and coerces Jenny into driving him across country to Arizona. Meanwhile, the military is hot on their trail. Jeff Bridges acts like a putz, knocks up the grieving widow, returns to Neptune, and that's the end.

Starman is a Carpenter film in name only. It neither looks nor feels like his other movies, and as such there is little to recommend this film.

craze-o-meter: 0, not a John Carpenter to be had

Though I don't speak a word of Spanish, I would have much preferred this version of events.

Film Review: Twilight

2009-03-31T17:08:00.008+01:00

Were I to chose one word to describe Twilight, it'd be "tame". But I can choose may different words. Like "anti-climactic" and "one-dimensional" and "watered-down". Okay, so those are compound words but it's my choice.

I've read the books, obviously. Devoured them. And it was the movie that prompted me to read the books in the first place. And my friends. My friends told me to. Anyway, now I've finally seen the film.

Scene from Crouching Human, Hidden Vampire.

And, well, yeah.

Bella moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington, the rainiest place in America. There she meets and falls in love with Edward Cullen who's a vampire and that's pretty much the end of the story. At one point she's pursued by another vampire, James, which forces Bella into the protective custody of Edward's vampire family. James is vanquished, and Edward and Bella attend the prom.

Seriously, that's it. I mean some other stuff happens, but none of it is essential to a plot synopsis. Twilight the book is by no means a brilliant work of teen fiction. It's engaging and fun, but it lacks subtlety. The film, too, lacks subtext. There's nothing going on beneath the surface, no hidden desires, no secrets, not even a delayed gratification or payoff. I can't fault the source material. I believe it's a poor adaptation, not because the movie doesn't follow the book, but because it follows the book too closely.

Seriously, you shouldn't smile because if the wind changes, your face will stay like that. Forever.

Putting the book aside for a moment, I'll do my best to consider Twilight as is. And to sum up, even though I haven't actually said anything yet, the movie is a mediocre teen vampire love story at best. There is no real conflict, nothing stands between Edward and Bella, and the film lacks a real climax. Indeed, Jame's pursuit of Bella causes some trouble for the Cullen family, but James is easily defeated and Bella's life is never in any real danger. The movie moves from moment to moment, as Bella and Edward spend most of their time being completely insufferable, complaining about how much they're in love with each other.

The movie could have used a lot more of this.

In order for a film to succeed, it must engage its audience by telling a compelling story. And audiences are most interested when they can identify/sympathize with at least one character. Unfortunately for Twilight, neither Bella nor Edward are all that sympathetic. The lack of any real intra- or interpersonal conflict only further alienates the audience; when Bella is supposed to be in danger, nobody really cares about what might happen to her.

New Moon, the second book/movie in the series is in production and due to come out later this year. I'll see it, of course. I'm curious to see how they deal with Jacob, one of the few cast members who was able to play at least two different emotions (although his embarrassment might have had more to do with just being in the movie than being directed in the movie). But I'm going to set the bar low. Real low.

I google image searched "anitclimactic" and this was the first thing I got. A bit of a let-down, really.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 8 - The One Fury

2009-03-22T17:26:00.011Z

Christine

Yet another reason to buy American.

I read this book long, long ago.

Arnie is a bit of a loser. Actually, more than a bit. But he's best friends with Dennis, who's on the football team, so his high school life isn't all that bad. The first day of senior year, however, doesn't got so well and Arnie is bullied by the school asshole, Buddy. Things perk up somewhat when Arnie spies a car for sale while driving home with Dennis. He simply must buy it and won't let Dennis or his overbearing parents talk him out of it. Soon the car begins to take over Arnie's life and once the restoration job is complete, Arnie's transformation from harmless geek to total jerk is past the point of no return. Thing is, Arnie did a fantastic job fixing "Christine" only no one seems to appreciate his hard work. Everyone hates the car and Arnie can't understand why. She's perfect in every way. Then, one night, Buddy and his gang of thugs take their sledgehammers to Christine. Soon after that people start dying and Arnie, or rather Christine, is the prime suspect.

Five-star safety rating!

I wish I could remember enough about the book to be able to compare the novel to the movie, but I don't. I can't even tell you if it's the same car. In fact, the only thing I recall with any certainty is that part of the story is set in winter. In the film version, the story takes place in California.

Christine marks the second movie I've seen about killer vehicles, the other being Duel. Except that Duel is actually about a psychotic trucker. In Christine, the car itself is the source of evil, whereas the rig in Duel is merely the, uh, vehicle for evil. But what a car! Christine is a red 1958 Plymouth Fury. The film begins in the factory where Christine is being assembled and where she claims her firs victim. Curiously, there's no explanation for why the car does what it does, why it appeals to certain people and repulses others. I could say the car is like Michael Meyers, evil for reasons we can't begin to understand.

This is possibly the most terrifying movie poster ever.

Like Carpenter's earlier films, this one takes its time telling the story. There's no big rush to the final showdown, though Arnie's preoccupation with Christine goes from zero to full-blown obsession seemingly overnight. Additionally, though Arnie's story begins at school, we only return to that place to witness Dennis get rejected by Leigh and then get tackled hard during a football game. Arnie's world has come to revolve around his car, but we only understand the "new" Arnie in terms of his social- and, to a lesser extent, his home life. I argue it would have been interesting to see how his school life has changed, if at all. Especially since he has class with the bullies who trashed his car.

Unlike Carpenter's other films, the violence in this movie is subdued or takes place off screen. The human violence, that is. All violence perpetrated against Christine is shown. And the violence Christine inflicts on other cars is also shown, but the vehicular deaths are not. Were Christine a person the movie would make for some awful, horrifying watching, but since she's a car, the audience is that much farther removed from the horror. And here we come to the crux of the issue: because the horror is rooted and driven by a machine, and because Arnie is a willing participant in these events, how can the audience identify with the story? Not through Dennis because he's in the hospital for half the film and has nothing to do. And not through Leigh, Arnie's hot girlfriend, because she lacks the strength of character to do what's right. Oddly, there's no one character with whom the audience can sympathize, and yet the film is still engaging.

craze-o-meter: 1, no more crazier than using electricity to power your car

This car is automatic, it's systomatic, it's hydromatic...

Project: Insanity Plea Part 7 - Little Trouble with Big Movies

2009-03-08T00:11:00.012Z

Big Trouble in Little China

Eye candy for kids

When I was a little girl I'd go to the video store and have to pass by the grown up movies on my way to the children's section. I distinctly remember seeing the box for this one and being both frightened and curious. I sort of wanted to see it, but was afraid I wouldn't understand it. The box art was appealing to a little kid: a fun title, a guy in a tank top, a truck. I never did rent it, not even when I turned 13 and could rent it without my parents' permission. Because I didn't think I'd get it, I was kind of scared it.

So I started watching horror movies instead.

And then I had the bright idea of watching all the John Carpenter films and I came face-to-face with BTLC once again. I was still trepidatious--the little girl inside me was still kind of scared of what was in store--but, with a grown up commitment to responsibility, I watched it.

I'm glad I waited.

Big Trouble in Little China stars Kurt Russell (again) in a very different role from either Escape or The Thing. This time he plays Jack Burton, truck driver and wholly unremarkable in every way. After winning money off his friend Wang Chi, Jack drives him to the airport to pick up Miao Yin, Wang's fiancee. At the airport Miao is grabbed by a Chinese gang who are in the employ of Lo Pan, an ancient magician trapped in the body of an old man. Lo Pan must marry and kill a woman with green eyes in order to appease the God of the East and regain his power. Wang and Jack mount a rescue and are aided by Kim Cattrall, who also has green eyes, and Egg Shen, an old wizard. In genuine Kim Cattrall style, she turns out to be more trouble than she's worth as she also gets kidnapped by Lo Pan.

You're sure this isn't a sequel to Duel?

The movie begins with Victor Wong, who plays Egg Shen, speaking with is attourney about the strange events that have taken place recently in Chinatown. Victor Wong tells the lawyer he must first believe in magic if he's to believe the truth of what happened. The film, however, doesn't end back in the office. Rather, it closes on Kurt Russell, driving away into the night. This, I think is a missed opportunity, a badly written beginning that could have made for a nice bookend. But instead of setting up the lawyer and the audience for a wild and hard-to-believe tale of ancient evil, wizardry, and kung fu, the flimmakers instead show all their cards right at the start: Victor Wong shows off his magic one minute into the film.

This, for me, really is the biggest problem with the movie. But the scene gets the job done in that it informs the audience on the kind of movie they're about to watch--a contemporary fantasy tale. A clever one, too. And funny. BTLC is part comedy, part fantasy, part kung fu movie all bundled together and set in 1986. There's no time travel, no alternate universe, and, this is very important, no kids. Though the film is PG13, it's about grown ups.

Hats are in.

You: Yeah, but so what? A lot of fantasy movies are about grown ups.
Me: That's true, but few are set in the real modern world. And since BTLC is set in present day San Francisco, and with the exception of four, maybe five, characters is about present day people, the film is different enough from both Conan-type and Crouching Tiger-type fantasies that makes them less accessible to a younger audience.
You: Aren't you forgetting a little something called He-Man?
Me: No, I'm not. That movie was made for kids. Now stop talking and let me get on with it.

In addition to the film being a comedy/fantasy mix, the main character is, strangely enough, not really the hero. Jack Burton is completely out of his depth caught in a Chinese fantasy brought to life; he doesn't understand or know anything about Chinese culture or history and he can't fight. Indeed, Kurt Russell is offscreen for most of the fights and when he does appear in these scenes, he's the comic relief. That's not to say Jack Burton is incidental, he does things and goes places no one else in the movie can do or go, it's just that he doesn't possess or have access to the knowledge or the skill to survive the film on his own.

The fact that this movie is totally different from anything we've seen so far doesn't necessarily mean Carpenter was any crazier at this point in his career than he was when we last saw his product. The the film's overall competence and humour have a sobering effect.

craze-o-meter: 1.5, my chi is strong

No word of a lie, if found this in a google image search for Big Trouble in Little China.

Essay: 100 Greatest Let Downs

2009-02-27T20:02:00.011Z

Or don't. Whatever.

So there's this book list on facebook right now. Actually, there's two (that I've seen). Both lists begin with the preamble, "the BBC says most people have read 6 of these 100 books" and then something to the effect of these are supposed to be classic reads. If you haven't read them, then you're a borderline-literate pleb and should probably just stick to your Archie comics because there's no way you could possibly understand the subtle nuances of Terry Pratchett's prose.

My question, who decides what's a classic? The BBC, or someone masquerading as the BBC seems to think they're entitled. I have a high school English teacher who would disagree and take issue with the fact that not a single Margaret Lawrence novel made the list. Are they, the books on the lists, prizewinners? Some are. Are they bestsellers? Some aren't. Are they tedious and likely to make your eyes bleed? Again, some are. So then what's the criteria? A random sample might help us figure out what makes a classic read.

The turtle moves! And talks. And smites.

The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
The Bible
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Dune - Frank Herbert
Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick - Herman Melville
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Dracula - Bram Stoker
Charlotte’s Web - EB White
Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
His Dark Materials- Philip Pullman
The Pillars Of The Earth - Ken Follett
Noughts And Crosses - Malorie Blackman
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

One thing is plainly obvious at first glance: no westerns. Also, most have been made into movies, so if you don't have the patience or the literacy skills to make it through all of Dune, you can let Kyle MacLachlan do the work for you. What else do we see? The selection runs the gamut from sci-fi to historical fiction. So there's no one genre of fiction that qualifies as classic even though horror and sci-fi are poorly represented. We also note that most writers are not American. This could be bias on the part of the BBC, who would rather choke to death on tripe than admit that Mark Twain and Kurt Vonnegut, who didn't make the list at all, managed to pound out a good book or two.

The great Canadian novel.

Turning back to the question, what makes a classic? Based on the criteria listed above, a classic book needs to be the following

adapted for the screen, or in negotiations for adaptation
written by someone who is not American, or not really American
prizewinner and/or bestseller and/or the author has a prize named for him
not a western

It is unfortunate Michael Crichton didn't make the list. He fits the bill. So does Roch Carrier. And Anonymous from Beowulf. The problem is when one person sets a list of greatness, things other people deem great are excluded either through a lack of knowledge or personal choice. Worst is the list is presumed to be made by someone in a position of authority, a learned individual who's word is final.

I personally don't really care if the BBC thinks I'm poorly read--they've got crap taste in books. Furthermore, I'd argue any good book is worthy of the time and emotion you put into it. Even if it is, by all accounts, total trash.

Trash-tastic!

Essay: Smoking Pot and Having Sex

2009-02-14T19:45:00.007Z

I thought you had the beer.

When did it happen that smoking pot and having pre-marital sex would get you killed? Most everyone will tell you that Halloween was really the first to punish such morally reprehensible behaviours. Films like the Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th serieses, capitalize on a high body count, and teens get killed for engaging in smoking up, underage drinking, and having sex. But it wasn't really until Scream that these activities and their consequences were brought to the forfront of public perception. Scream's self-refelxsive premise introduced mainstream horror audiences to the fact that all genre films have certain things in common, death to anyone who behaves "inappropriately" being the most prevalent. Ironically, the notion of the virgin being the only person who can survive and defeat the killer is proven to be innacurate. Indeed, Lori Strode is, as Randy explains, the virginal final girl in Halloween, but Sidney begins Scream as a virign and both sleeps with and defeats Billy at the end of the movie. Additionaly, Alice, the lone survivor in Friday the 13th, is not a virgin but this is not mentioned, nor is any Jason movie referenced in Scream.

Alice, however, does not have sex in Friday, nor does she smoke up. But her dialogue and behaviour suggests that she has done both in the past. Lori, too, is not above getting high. Virgin she may be, but she smokes onsreen. And Syndey, who doesn't smoke pot or even talk about it, does have sex. It would seem then, that neither activity on it's own is enough to warrent death, but both together are a death sentence. But, confusingly, secondary and terriary characters in all movies are killed with impunity, regardless of thier actions.

I'd like two tickets to the merry-go-round.

The main factor in all these cases is beer. More so than drugs or sex, alcohol appears to be the common denominator in slasher movie deaths. Though drugs are always illegal, and sex is only frowned upon, alcohol occupies a middle-ground; fine for adults but not for teens. These kids, however, are caught up in an adult situation. They are being stalked and killed by a grownup and having to rely on their wits for survival as no one--no adult or authority--will come to save them. When considered further, the issue seems to be one of age. The is no legal age for drugs, but there is for sex and booze. A lot of horror movie characters are over sixteen, the legal age for sex, but are not yet twenty-one. They are stuck somewhere between childhood and adulthood, and therefore cannot be faulted for some decisions but are fully responsible for others.

So, when we again consider Lori, Alice, and Syndey, we can reasonably state their survival is more dependent on their abstinance from alcohol than anything else. Why then, is the emphasis on drugs and sex in post-modern horror? I think because, between the three, alcohol is the lesser evil. Drugs, regardless of kind, are bad. Teen sex, or pre-martial sex, is religiously immoral. Underage drinking, however, is forgivable. Indeed, many of us have enjoyed a drink at home with family while still technically underage.

The emphasis on drugs and sex, however, is only really present or prevalent in movies made after c.1995. Before that time, though everyone smoked pot and slept around, it was treated with a certain amount of innocence. Weed and sex was something that existed in every day life, accepted and expected. After Scream, films like Cabin Fever and Jason X, drew extra attention to pot and sex, elevating their status as deadly pursuits. The result is now a driving need to write drugs into horror movies, and increase sexual encounters (and nudity) as well as the consumption of alcohol. Doing so, however, causes the films to become unintentionally pseudo-self-referential, breaks the suspension of disbelief and somewhat distances the audience.

This is what happens when I drink and smoke up. Every goddamn time.

Book Report: Twilight Saga

2009-01-29T16:41:00.000Z

Is the apple a symbol of forbidden knowledge, or evil stepmothers?

At first there was confusion. I saw posters for Twilight before I knew what it was. I thought it was True Blood or something like True Blood. Then I found out it was a movie. I decided I wanted to see it.

But I didn't see it. I had dinner with Deb, instead. She told me the movie is from a book by the same name. In fact, Twilight is one of four books about a vampire love story. And everyone I knew was reading them.

Okay, two people. And they both raved about the books. I was already reading a love story* at the time (unusual for me, I generally read actiony/thriller type stuff or Jasper Fford) and didn't have room for another just then. But not too long ago I was faced with a long day of airplane rides--three in total--and bought Twilight on a whim for something to read on the planes.

You don't actually have to read Bronte to get it.

Two weeks later I was finished all four books. Everything took a back seat to Twilight. I did somehow manage to get my school readings done--I'd grudgingly lay my book aside to learn about one thing or another. But Twilight was always in the back of my mind. The last time a book took over so completely was Harry Potter, and Neverwhere before that.

Twilight is, in many ways, unlike either of those. Yeah, it shares a lot with 'em, too, but there's a certain amount of preachy-ness in the Twilight saga. Unfortunately, it kind of put a bad taste in my mouth and tainted my enjoyment.

Good taste.

A short list of the unsolicited moral and ethical lessons in the Twilight saga:

swearing is unbecoming
sex is okay as long as you love each other
pre-marital sex is not okay even if you love each other
you must never leave your family even if you think it's the right thing to do, because it isn't
the Catholic Church is a patriarchal, power-hungry institution masquarading as a benificent orgainization of like-minded individuals
all your problems can be solved by reading the right Shakespear play or Bronte novel

That's not to say that I didn't enjoy Twilight. I just didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. It's a story about freaking vampire love. I mean, come on! But in an effort to maintain a certain amount of wholesomeness and to keep her target readership between 11 and 15 years-old, Stephanie Meyer misses out on an opportunity to write a really compelling story.

At least, that's my opinion. Four best-sellters in a row will tell me I'm wrong, but I just think there's room for so much more. J. K. Rowling was killing people all over the palce, good and bad; Harry Potter's a complete asshole for a good part of the series; the line between good and evil was sometimes ill-defined, and her books were meant for a much younger readership.

She solves mysteries!

The overwhelming popularity of Twilight marks what I think is a resurgeance in vampire fictions. Though True Blood doesn't cast quite as large a net as Twilight, its success will likely help move vampires into the top spot, pushing out the zombies who've been the favoured monster for a while now. There's a cycle to these things, anyway. Anne Rice, Coppola's Dracula, and Buffy were all roughly contemporaneous. Then Romero came back from the dead. And now it's the vampires turn again.

Makes me wonder if there's a conspiracy to keep werewolves down. Dogsoldiers is an excellent film but never got the credit or the audience it deserves.

*read: romance novel

Acknowledgments: I'd like to thank my roommate who loaned me books 2-4, and especially that last one because he wasn't finished reading it. I'd like to thank Deb who encouraged me to read these books to begin with and, finally, I'd like to thank Mina who was in no way helpful when she said I'd start reading the whole saga all over again as soon as I was finished.

Half man, half vampire. All man. Wait. What?

Project: Insanity Plea Part 6 - Things in the Night

2009-01-23T11:52:00.001Z

The Thing

Lower your light, it's right in my eyes!

I'd forgotten how gross this movie is.

The movie begins with a couple of Norwegians hunting a dog from a helicopter. The dog finds shelter at an American Antarctic research station which sets off a series of events that eventually culminates in Kurt Russell saving the world.

It really is a fantastic film. Argued as being Carpenter's best work, The Thing didn't do very well in theatres though critics liked it a lot. I think the problem might be though it's a movie about an alien that takes over your body, it can read a bit slow. Low on action and high on tension and gore, The Thing is a story about paranoia and fear.

Not to be confused with this thing.

Set in Antarctica, the movie follows the story of the men at an American research station who find themselves under attack by an alien that has infiltrated their camp. When the men at last realize and deal with the alien menace, it's already too late. Someone has been infected, but they don't know who. Worse, their communications are knocked out and their transportation is destroyed. It will be months before the men can get out, but rescue takes a back seat to the more pressing matter of the alien among them.

Part of The Thing's success as a story is rooted in the idea that you can't always trust the people you know. The claustrophobic setting heightens the paranoia, as the men really have nowhere to run. But they share their isolation with the alien, and so the film is also about preservation and sacrifice.

Bad mood.

The movie marks Carpenter's return to horror and is, in my opinion, nearly perfect. In this movie it is possible to track back to Carpenter's earlier films. The anticipation and fear of both Assault and Halloween are present throughout as is the sense of helpless isolation that was present in Adrienne Barbeau's terrifying scene in The Fog. New this time round is the sense of horrified fascination with the Thing itself. The camera doesn't shy away from the creature and as the men are witness to its horror, so are we.

And talk about gross! The creature effects are outstanding. I first saw this movie a long time ago. Watching it again, when it came to the part where you first see the Thing in action, I remembered back to that initial viewing. I was totally grossed out then. And I was again, just now. There's something about physical effects, a tangible quality that's lost with CGI. So the other part of The Thing's success is, I believe, the monster effects. Rob Bottin created something completely alien, something that lies so completely outside our understanding or experience, that we empathize with the characters on screen, we share in their horror when we come face to face with the Thing.

craze-o-meter: 2, brilliantly nuts

Hoth's got nothing on this place.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 5 - Escape from Normalcy

2008-12-13T18:24:00.009Z

Escape From New York

The action pictured doesn't appear in the film.

Snake Plissken was a decorated soldier, the youngest man to receive the medal of honour from the President. And then he died, robbed the federal reserve, and wound up with a life sentence.

The year is 1997 and crime is so bad that Manhattan Island has been converted into a maximum security prison. While en route to a summit meeting, Air Force One is hijacked and crashed onto Manhattan. The President survives the crash in his escape pod but he's now inside the prison. Meanwhile, Snake is being processed on Liberty Island before being sent inside. He strikes a bargain with the police commissioner: rescue the President and receive a full pardon. Snake battles street gangs, an old and former friend, and Isaac Hayes in his mission to save the President. He gets poisoned by the commissioner, shot at by Isaac's men, pummeled by a large Turk, and nearly blown up. And he still maintains his cool.

15% of all colour blindess is yellow/blue.

Escape From New York was made in 1981 and set 16 years later. Kind of hard to believe things would turn to so bad so quickly, and I personally don't like it when movies date themselves like this one does. But looking beyond my own (irrational) biases, the film effectively creates a post-apocalyptic feel without actually being post-apocalyptic. Of course, I'm watching this in 2008, 27 years after its release and 11 years after its setting. But I stand by my statement.

Like the films that have preceded it, Escape is a fairly straightforward plot. Everything is laid out for you right at the start, and you get only a hint of backstory every now and again. Nobody talks very much, which I like, and when they do it's solely to move the story forward. Escape is an action movie, and there's nothing worse than having your action get bogged down in useless dialogue. Also, the minimal dialogue paints Snake as a man of few words and his stoicism rubs off on the people around him. It's also an effective contrast to the loquacious Isaac Hayes, whose pimped-out character of the Duke of New York is the antithesis of Kurt Russel's spartanic Snake.

These handcuffs chafe so.

The film is not without its problems, however. Unfortunately, there's a return to strange pacing. At one point, Snake is caught and knocked unconscious. This happens at night. When he wakes up it's clearly the next day. And when he finally escapes his captors, which takes him about half an hour at most, it's the dead of night again. Furthermore, Snake's mission is time-sensitive. When he wakes up in captivity, he's got about 2 hours left, maybe three of the 22 hours he was given at the start of the film. That means it should be night again when he wakes. Really, it's a minor problem, but the abrupt change from day to nighttime is jarring and takes you out of the movie for a second.

Escape is not a total departure for Carpenter. Recall that Assault on Precinct 13 is essentially an action movie. However, Escape is, in my opinion altogether a whole lot crazier than anything that has come before. The minimalist storytelling keeps it on this side of the line, but its bleak outlook and pessimistic ending up the crazy factor.

Craze-o-meter: 2.5, like when I drove the 401 in blizzard at night

I've got a snake tatoo. Guess where.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 4 - Misterious

2008-11-09T17:11:00.006Z

The Fog

Not to be confused with The Fog.

I once read a book titled "The Fog." It was one of those young adult horror stories of the R. L. Stein and Christopher Pike variety. I don't remember much about it, except that it took place in small coastal town. Much like John Carpenter's The Fog. I read a few of those books but I have yet to see a movie about a killer ski trip or a haunted dress.

The Fog begins with what might be the best ghost story told in film. It's 11:55 pm, five minutes to midnight, and there is time left for one more story before April 21st. One hundred years ago a ship got lost in a mysterious fog and smashed on the rocks off Spiny Point. One hundred years ago, on April 21st. April 21st also happens to be Antonio Bay's centennial. As the town prepares for the celebration, strange things start to happen. People go missing, and Father Malone finds an old journal that recounts the events that took place during the months leading up to April 21st 1880. Burdened with the knowledge of Antonio Bay's true history, Father Malone refuses to take part in the celebration. Meanwhile, Nick and Elizabeth search for answers as to how a man can drown without being in the water, and local radio DJ Stevie Wayne receives a threatening message from a vengeful ghost. As the night closes in around Antonio Bay, so too does a strange and glowing fog.

Don't forget to close the vents!

With The Fog John Carpenter seems to have resolved his pacing issues, transitioning smoothly from day to nighttime. Like in his previous films, a lot is left unexplained letting the audience fill in the gaps. His tendency to limit exposition allows for the story to move along as events follow in a logical sequence. Carpenter's stories (so far) are quite simple and the lack of complicated backstory or plot turns, should not in any way be confused with a lack of depth. Rather, the refreshingly straightforward story told in The Fog--a town with a horrifying past--is almost dated in its simplicity.

And that simplicity isn't limited to the story itself, but also relates to the plot, or the way in which the story is told. The film begins with a old man telling a ghost story to a group of children. We listen to his voice and watch him and kids as he speaks. Our imaginations, not the filmmakers, take us back 100 years and as such we become one of those kids on the beach, listening to the tale and imagining the wrecking of the ship on the rocks off Spiny Point. Instead of being a passive audience watching these events unfold before us, we're actively involved in recreating the story for ourselves.

Is it a waste of the film medium to force someone to simply listen like this? Is it a sign of craziness? Hell no. Were we subject to a flashback we would lose all active interest in the film and let the images wash over us instead of engaging with the film.

Craze-o-meter: 0, totally sane

This one goes out to all the lovers.

Project: Insanity Plea Part 3 - The Most Holiest of Days

2008-10-25T04:02:00.010+01:00

Halloween

Best poster ever.

It's hard to say which movie John Carpenter is most famous for. I mean, it's hard to say for which film John Carpenter is most famous. Halloween is up there, though. Even for people who don't know who John Carpenter is (they do exist, I've met them and they smell funny) they have still heard of or seen Halloween. Rob Zombie's deplorable remakes has helped to solidify the original Halloween as one of the true horror classics for everyone born after 1990.

In 1963 Michael Meyers killed his sister on Halloween. He was promptly locked away in a psychiatric hospital were he's been studied by Dr. Loomis. Dr. Loomis spends 8 years trying to get to know Michael, and then seven more trying to keep him locked up. On the night of October 30th, 1978, a 23 year-0ld Michael escapes and returns to his home town of Haddonfield. While at home, he spies Lori Strode and marks her for death. And so what had promised to be an extremely boring Halloween for Lori turns out to be the worst night of her life.

What does Shatner wear on Halloween?

I first saw this movie a long time ago, and saw it once more after that. I'll admit to having forgotten some of the details, so when I watched Halloween again for the purposes of this project (and perfectly timed, I might add) I had a hard time trying to separate out Carpenter's possible craziness from my own. Simply put, I got scared. Halloween is, at times, really creepy.

The film suffers from the same odd pacing first experienced in Assault on Precinct 13. I'm talking about the prolonged evening and the very sudden change to nighttime, and I believe this is more a factor of weak scripting and shooting as opposed to craziness on the part of John Carpenter. Additionally, the body count is quite low; recall this film helped launch the slasher. Michael Meyers devotes a lot of screen time to stalking and scaring Lori Strode, and again I don't believe this particular story element is representative of a unhinged personality. Rather, Michael Meyers' psychological assault on Lori is quite brilliant. Where later films feature the stalk 'n slash as a perfunctory series of events to repeated again and again until everyone's dead, Halloween draws out the initial and singular stalking of Lori, punctuating it with moments of violence and murder. This not only sets us on edge as we now know what's in store for poor Lori Strode, but Lori too grows anxious as she waits for her mysterious antagonist to finally make his intentions known.

Huh, maybe you would have be a little nuts to come up with that.

Craze-o-meter: 1, nothing I haven't already thought about

Tall, quiet, strong? Yeah you can give him my number.

Musing: CSI Miami

2008-10-06T03:19:00.010+01:00

After having watched a few later-season episodes of CSI Miami, I have come to the conclusion that the show is set in an alternate present that is actually the future. Like if the colonists on Earth 2 were able to successfully transplant western civilization, allow it to mature, and then make a police procedural.

I saw the series premier way back in 2002. It was a crossover, of course, with original (and far superior) CSI. I never doubted that CSI was set in the present--this present. And CSI Miami was, at the time, contemporaneous. But, over the years, the show has moved forward, or maybe sideways, into the future. Take for example thier computers. They're able to project what's on screen onto nothing, producing an image floating in space. It's futurerific!

Not convinced? What about the vaporizer? It's an electric gun that fires 100,000 rounds a minute. Or how about the fact that everyone is psychic and thier brains are hooked into a vast inforamation network? It's the only possible explanation as to how people just happen to know everything all the time. And they have bionic eyes allow them to see things otherwise invisible to the naked, present-day human eye.

The vaporizer looks nothing like this, nor does the guy who uses it.

Lastly is the choice of vehicle: the Hummer. It is so obviously a throwback to the early oughts when the Hummer was perceived as rolling steroidal masculinity--a preposterous city car so over the top its use as a police vehicle can only be described as brilliantly and postmodernly ironic.

Now, I'm all for sci-fi. I freaking love original Star Wars (technically set in the past) and Firefly (technically a western). But I hate when a show or a movie pretends to be more than it is. Like how Donnie Darko pretends not to suck. So I think that CSI Miami should drop the masquerade and admit to belonging to the same camp as VR.5. There's no shame in that. In fact, it would significantly improve the quality of the show. By shedding all pretense, CSI Miami could be groundbreaking, a procedural that happens to be set in a future/alternate reality. But, as it is, it's just another cop show.

And not a very good one at that.

CSI: Crab Nebula

Project: Insanity Plea Part 2 - Assault On My Patience

2008-09-22T01:35:00.011+01:00

Assault on Precinct 13

Powerstrap not included.

Evan Bishop has just made Lieutenant in the LAPD. His first assignment, which is supposed to be either a free ride or a kick in the ass from his chief, is to spend the night babysitting an old police station. Precinct 9 District 13, located in the ghetto, is closing down on Sunday morning but someone still has to man the station on Saturday night. Not long after Bishop arrives, the station is besieged by a vengeful street gang looking to settle a score with either a) the man who killed one of their members, b) the police who killed a lot of their members, or c) both.

Minimalist is the word I'd use to describe everything about this movie. Music, cast, dialogue. Everything is bare bones. Which, I think, ups the tension. You're trapped inside the police station with a handful of people, you have no clear idea of what's going on and whether help will come. There's a kind of purity in the terrifying isolation at work here, though the film is not without its faults. The pacing, for starters, is very strange. Actually, it's quite slow and then, very suddenly, it's the end of the movie. Certain story elements, also, are unexpected and were this film made today, unlikley to have been included. In fact, the movie was remade in 2005 with an altogether more complicated plot.

Mommy, what does "cholo" mean?

I'll admit to having a teeny nightmare after watching. Most of what happened was unrelated to the film, but there was this one moment when people were milling about outside. I didn't know why. And you know how dreams are, you remember two things happening at once, so though the people were hanging about, they were also running past, frightened, terrified even and again I couldn't understand. This part of my dream I believe comes from Assault (I watched it right before I went to sleep). While everyone is holed up in the station, the gang runs around outside. The police, of course, and you also, have no idea what they're doing, and it's a bit scary so see them run like that. I took this feeling to bed with me and the organized chaos of the street gang mutated into a panicked flight in my dream.

Craze-o-meter: 0, uncrazy

I just sold my last vanilla twist!

Project: Insanity Plea Part 1 - The Set Up

2008-09-22T00:35:00.007+01:00

Someone once told me they knew somebody who had this theory John Carpenter's descent into madness can be tracked through his movies. In fact, he said you can pinpoint the exact moment when he sheds the mantel of reality under which he's been languishing, and fully embraces bat-shit craziness.

Problem is, I can't remember when that was. So I have taken it upon myself to find out. Using all my skills as an archaeologist with a film degree, I will dig through the artefacts of the man's creative output and find the moment that represents Carpenter's divorce from logic and rationality. Beginning with Assault on Precinct 13, I will watch, in chronological order, all films made between 1976 and 2008.

Will I go crazy in the process, abandoning all reason and succumbing to the overwhelming power of the man's illogical rhetoric?

Who's watching who?

Musing: Old News

2008-06-12T20:39:00.011+01:00

I’m living in the past. I’m a bit ashamed to admit it. My clothes are old, I spend a lot of my free time reminiscing and waxing nostalgic about what I did last week, and I’m constantly revisiting past conversations with boys. Worst is that I’m a month behind on all horror movie related news.

It struck me this morning what a terrible thing this is. I was reading Rue Morgue and learned that one of my favourite stage actors (I am that pretentious) was starring in a stage version of Misery.

“Dammit, that’s aweseome!” I said out loud. Thankfully I was alone at the time and was saved from having to explain why watching Tom McCamus get his foot cut off would be so cool. “Crap, I can’t see it!” I exclaimed when I saw the dates and realized that it wouldn’t be showing in August, when I’m back in town. I continued talking to myself, “I’ll get Dan to go.”

And then I thought maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. The last time I asked Dan for a similar favour, it worked out great for Dan, but not so well for me. All he had to do was go to the con, meet Paul Dini, and give my love to Mr. Lordi. Dan did go to the con but whatever he did there didn't involve granting any of my very reasonable requests. While weighing the pros and cons of charging Dan with standing in for me a second time (regardless of whether he actually likes the theatre) my eyes happened once again on the performance dates.

The damn thing was in May. Curse my rotten luck! I forgot I was reading a month-old magazine. But that's what happens when you live in England.

Not pictured: Rue Morgue June 2008

Friends--I have such lovely wonderful friends--have offered in the past to get me a subscription. I have always declined. Good western capitalist that I am, I see no harm in periodically indulging in a bit of retail therapy, and I really like to go to the store and buy it myself. It gets me out of the house. Also, the last time someone got me a magazine subscription as a “gift” I wound up receiving, delivered straight to my mailbox, New Zealand Pig Hunter.

I remember a time when I could amaze everyone with my wealth of current horror movie industry knowledge. Now all I can talk about is how best to train your pig-dogs. Which is wasted, wasted on the Brits.

Rue Morgue has never steered me wrong*. They were bang on the money with Giant Killer Shark: The Musical, and it's a real bummer I won't get to/never got to see Misery. I'll tell Dan about it anyway and try to make him feel badly that he will miss/has missed out on doing (or not doing) me another big favour.

Dan's a vegetarian.

* Except for that one time when they steered me wrong.

Film Review: Urban Justice

2008-03-20T20:59:00.014Z

I read somewhere this was a back to basics Seagal movie. Old school. Well, let's face it. You can never go back. Not all the way. And Seagal, though he might be able to still dislocate every joint in your body by just looking at you, ain't what he was twenty years ago. Which means his movies can't be like they were.

But there's no reason they still can't be good. And Urban Justice, so far (because I've only watched about half of it), is like a boring version of Out For Justice.

Steve (I like to call him Steve) plays Simon, a divorce looking for his son's killer. And holy shit I just found out his son is played by Cory Hart. So far Steve has shot someone's ear off, met Danny Trejo, killed a guy for no reason, and said "motherfucker" about 18 times. He's also come no closer to finding out who killed is son and why. It's got something to do with dirty cops.

***

It's taken me three days, but I've finally finished it. And I can't say that Urban Justice has significantly improved my life. The "motherfucker" count rose in direct proportion to the body count, which I found to be unreasonably high. Now, "unreasonable" is not to be confused with "unnecessary". It is always necessary for Steve to kick a lot of ass. But it's unreasonable to assume that Eddie Griffin would command such a huge army of thugs.

Phoning it in.

Though a significant amount of Act 1 (i.e.: all) is dedicated to mysterious back alley dealings, the rest of the movie is all about Steve's lame attempts to find out who killed his boy. I say lame because he doesn't actually do any detecting. Rather, he just follows this one guy around, killing everyone who looks at him sideways. This, of course, gets the attention of Eddie Griffin who then dispatches his most inept lieutenants to take him out.

In what has to be the laziest action scene in a movie ever, there's a door of doom sequence in which Steve just aims his trans-dimensional shotgun (it never runs out of ammo!) at an open door and murders everyone dumb enough to walk through. There's also a rather dull car chase, around 70 minutes in. I paused it at this point to go to do something else for a while. Possibly sleep.

When Steve finally comes face to face with Cory Hart's killer, the final showdown is a total anti-climax. To get to this point, he has single handedly taken out an entire street gang, so what happens when he finally gets his hands on man who set this whole series of events in (slow) motion? He kills him. Just like that. It takes all of two minutes. And what does he do to Eddie Griffin, LA's most notorious gansta?

Nothing. Not. A. Damn. Thing.

And what of the mystery alluded to at the beginning of this sad story? The answer is an unqualified "meh". There's no justice in Urban Justice. Just a lot of ridiculous squib effects. And Steve didn't save any puppies. Not a single one.

Review: Reviewer and Revieweree

2007-12-06T02:34:00.002Z

I've got a certain friend who writes game reviews for a certain website and he recently gave a certain game a certain bad review. And he certainly got a lot of shit for it.

A lot.

I didn't bother to read all six pages of posts. There was no need as the reviews would most certainly fall into one of three categories:
a) fuck you man you don't know shit;
b) the author makes some valid points though I still disagree overall; or
c) eat it, fanboys

I was astounded by the overwhelmingly and vehemently negative response generated by my friend's controversial review. Basically, he gave a much-anticipated and widely popular game a "low" score of 7/10. This sparked outrage among gamers who felt compelled to post their own opinions about both the game and my friend's character. Then came a second wave of posts decrying the unwarranted and unjust accusations made in the first wave. There are even a few third wave meta-posts, which respond to responses to posts.

I will freely admit to wanting to post responses to movie reviews or lists of things I felt were erroneous in some way. I've even gone so far as almost creating an account with the offending website. But I've always held back. Because I know that what I write will generally say less about what I think and more about what I am.

A slutbag whore.

Or so people would think if I actually went ahead and posted:

i have so much shit to say about you right now,but to sum everything up, i wanna say you suck ! everyone hates you. stop your bogus and give the score the game it deserves and i mean it deserves not the score your bogus mind wanna give.or else some [game] fanatics will burn your house down and kill your family

To be fair, this anonymous fanboy added "just kidding" after the death threat. Kidding or not, this poster still felt the need to express his disagreement by suggesting arson and murder as a viable course of action against the reviewer. In contrast, scorch117's post offers an alternative to homicide and goes some way in proving that not all gamer fanboys are poorly educated, antisocial sociopaths:

After reading the whole thing, it's obvious that you're a terrible liar, a douche bag, and that you need to commit suicide before you even read this.

I have read my friend's review and while he may be a terrible liar (which he actually is) and a douchebag (which he actually is not), these qualities do not come across in the review. What does come across is that my friend didn't think the game lived up to his expectations. Whether his expectations were reasonable is another matter. He fails to fully address the issues of the game's marketing and advertising campaign, and its buyers' pre-purchasing experience, and simply concludes the game was "overhyped" without delving deeper into the sociological and psychological mechanics of target audiences and anticipation. Perhaps this is the point another anonymous poster meant to raise when he wrote:

7/10? Are you kidding me? Have you ever played a quality game before in your life? If [this game] had absolutely no hype going in and you never heard of it before, you'd say it was amazing, which it is. But you let hype and politics get to you, so you get off to saying it's "overhyped," which couldn't be farther from the truth.

[The game] didn't smash all entertainment records in history ($170 million first 24 hours) because everyone felt like buying an "overhyped" game.

No, I suppose its record breaking sales means it was hyped just enough.

As for my friend, he has yet to take any steps towards fire-proofing his house, nor has he spiraled into a suicidal depression. He stubbornly continues to play and review new games. In fact, another one of his negative reviews sparked a dialogue with the game's writer (who agreed with the assessment) and earned my friend a shout-out in a later game produced by the same company.

Eat it, fanboys.

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 2

2006-10-01T23:40:00.002+01:00

For as long as I can remember, for as long as anyone can, the Andrews have lived at the top of the hill, but no one ever saw much of them until the oldest child, Martin, started at the high school. The story goes that the kids were home schooled or boarded elsewhere when they were young. There was no Mrs. Andrews to speak of, just the middle-aged doctor and his three kids. Martin was older than my brother and I but stories trickled down through friends about how much smarter he was than everybody else, how he didn’t have any real friends, and always wore the same black clothes. Some called him geek, others goth. Emo hadn’t been invented yet.

Gordon was in our year. I remember the first day of grade 9, when he walked into Mr. Malt’s room and sat down next to Bill. We all knew who he was of course, but we weren’t prepared for what we saw. Gordon was impossibly hot. Like his brother, he was encased in black from head to toe. No one could take their eyes off him but he met no one’s gaze. He didn’t say anything at all that day, or the next, in spite of everyone’s best attempts to crack his shell. Kindly inquiry to full-on bullying were all met with the same stony silence. Finally, on the third day, Gordon spoke.

“Excuse me,” he said to my back. I turned around. He was standing almost on top of me.
Omigodomigodomigod. “Hi Gordon,” I said.
“Never mind.” He moved past me down the hall.
“What the hell was that?” asked Kellie. We’d been talking before Gordon’s sudden arrival and departure.
“Beats me.”
“Totally weird.”
“I like weird,” I admitted.
“Yeah,” Kellie sighed. “Me too.”

***

Over the years everyone got to know Gordon and his younger sister Amy a bit better, though they still maintained their distance. We sometimes chatted in the hall, but we never hung out or sat at the same table at lunch, and he didn’t join any clubs. So when Gordon asked me and my brother over to his place that day in grade 12, he was still pretty much a mystery. Even when he gave us the tour of the house, he talked about other members of his family, distant relatives and friends, and gave up nothing about himself.

As we sat in the reading room, making up our flashcards I thought about what it all meant, this night at the Andrews’. Gordon had to have had a reason for inviting us. Did he like me? Was that it? I was the only person he ever really spoke to outside of class, if he had to speak at all.

“So what’s the deal?” Jonah blurted out. He did this sometimes, just to piss me off. Spoke my mind.
Gordon looked up from his flashcard. “What?”
“Do you like my sister? Because as her older brother, I feel a need to protect her honour.”
“Jonah!” I cried. He was really being an ass.
“Yeah,” said Gordon.
There was a pause. “Wait. What?”
“I like your sister. I like you too, because you’re exactly the same, but I like her more.”
I was smiling like an idiot. This was the single greatest thing that had ever happened to me. Thank you Jonah!
“And that’s a problem,” Gordon continued.
My smile faltered. “What’s the problem?” I asked.
Gordon turned to me. “I kind of, um, have this habit of fucking it up.” He looked at my brother. “That’s why you’re here. To make sure I don’t, you know…”
“Fuck things up?” my brother offered.
“Yeah. Plus your psychic connection would only cause problems for me later.”
Jonah I shared a look. We had no idea what that was supposed to mean.
“So Janey,” Gordon said and he took my hand, “I really like you, like a lot. And if your brother will allow it,” I rolled my eyes, but smiled all the same, “I’d like for you to go out with me.”
“I’ll allow it.”
“Shut up, Jonah.”
“Good,” said Gordon. “Let’s go.” He stood up, pulling me to my feet.
I was confused. “Go where?”
“Out. Well, actually up. We’re gonna go upstairs.” Gordon rounded on Jonah, “Not to have sex. You can come, too.”
“Yes, I think I will,” Jonah said, acting again like a huge ass.

Still holding my hand, Gordon led us up the grand staircase and down a hallway lined with portraits of severe-looking men and women. I didn’t pay much attention, I was so happy. Gordon, mysterious, gorgeous Gordon liked me! Then Jonah spoke in our secret language, breaking my reverie.
“That’s the man from the gate.”
He was standing in front of one of the paintings. It showed a man dressed, unsurprisingly in black, and his costume made him look vaguely clerical. Unlike everyone else lining the corridor he was smiling down at us.
“You’re right.” I leaned in to read the engraving on the frame. “But this guy was painted in 1752.”
We both turned to look at Gordon. “Who’s the priest?” Jonah asked.
“Uh, my great great grandfather.”
“He still alive?”
“What?” Gordon laughed. “No, of course not.” He continued down the hall.
But Jonah wasn’t satisfied. “What do you think? A descendent? A clone?” he asked me.
I played along. “An immortal?”
“A vampire.”
We stopped dead. It wasn’t so much what Gordon said, but that he said anything at all.
“Which is kind of like the same thing,” he continued. “only dead. Undead. So technically not alive.”
We were too busy to think about the implications of him being able to understand our fake language to process what he was saying.
“You…you can understand us?” I asked.
“Yes.” he said. “I learned your language.”
This was a level of commitment far beyond anything I’d ever experience. “How?”
“Never mind how,” Jonah cut in, his brain finally catching up with what was going on. “You said that guy’s a fucking vampire?”
“Uh huh.” Gordon looked at us warily. Was this what he meant when he said he wasn’t very good with girls? “You saw him outside, right?”
We didn’t say anything. What the shit was going on?
“Gordon, what the shi—”
“Janey,” Gordon interrupted. “I’m a vampire, okay. My whole family is. Are. We stayed out of sight until we could join you at school and blend in. I saw you the day your parents brought you home and knew you were the one. I watched you grow up, that’s how I know your language. I’ve been waiting a long time.”
“What?” Jonah and I cried out together.
Gordon took a step closer to me. He place one hand on my arm, the other on my neck. I couldn’t help it, his gentle touch made me quake. But his words scared me.
“We’re meant to be together.”
I tore my eyes away from him to look at my brother. Jonah grabbed my arm and pulled me from Gordon’s embrace. My dear, sweet, big brother.
“Stay the hell away from my sister.”
“I don’t think you understand. Your sister is going to be my consort. Forever. Now, I invited you here to explain it all and give you a chance to get ready. Because I want this to go smoothly.” He looked right at me. “Because I love you.”

Janey accepts her fate in part 3

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 1

2006-10-01T23:06:00.001+01:00

or, A Twilight Dream of My Very Own. Inspired by a dream I had that was fueled by my subconscious' preoccupation with the Twilight saga, I've here written my own vampire story.

“Christ this is a steep hill,” I gasped.
“Never stop on an incline,” Jonah said. He passed me by, huffing and puffing his way up the hill.
“Who lives at the top of a fucking steep hill?”
“The private. The paranoid.”
“The Andrews.”
We shared a wheezing laugh. It was an old joke. The Andrews had always lived at the top of the hill. Every morning a convoy of cars would wind its way down the hillside, like a colourful metallic snake. And every night each section of the snake would slowly make its way home; Dr. Andrews was the great black head, Gordon and Amy were the middle, red and blue, and Martin was the shiny silver tail.
“Remind me why we’re doing this,” I said.
Jonah sighed, then took a deep breath. “Because,” he managed to say. “We were invited.”

Technically, I was the one with the invitation. It was all very sudden. Gordon Andrews found me at my locker between classes and asked me, point blank and right in front of my best friend Kellie, if I would like come over to study. “Bring Jonah, too,” he said and then turned around and walked away. I stood there speechless, slack-jawed, until Kellie shook me.
“Omigodomigodomigod.”
“Holy crap,” said Kellie.
Holy crap indeed.

***

Jonah and I are twins. He’s older by three minutes and he lords it over me whenever he can. But the truth is that we are exactly the same in almost every way. We like the same music, the same foods, hate the same people, and do well in the same subjects at school. We also take great pleasure in freaking everyone out with our weird twin powers—finishing each others sentences, speaking the other’s thoughts, and talking in our own made-up language. So when Gordon asked me to his house, it was only natural that I would want Jonah to share in the experience.

But for the first time in my life I didn’t want Jonah to be there. I wanted the Andrews experience—and Gordon’s company—all to myself. I’m sure Jonah knew this, but neither he nor I said anything. And in spite of my selfishness, there was really no way I could deny him a chance at glimpsing the inside of the Andrews’ fortress of solitude.

***

The road flattened out and stopped to catch our breath. We didn’t drive because our parents had, unfairly, gone out for dinner.
“Look at it this way,” Jonah had reasoned, “we’ll get to ride home in one of their cars. I hope it’s Martin’s.”
We walked along the road a bit and came upon a large gate. It completely blocked the road ahead and we guessed we’d reached the Andrews’ property line. The thing was very tall and made of wood and steel. We stood there a moment and then looked at each other. What now?

“Welcome.” The voice made us jump. It came from somewhere off the road, in the trees to our left. And then the gate slowly swung open and we stepped into a place no one we know had ever been.
The road curved around to the right. Just before rounding the corner, we turned to look back at the gate. As it swung shut I saw a man standing on the other side, smiling and waving. The gate closed and he was gone.
“Did you?” I asked Jonah.
“Yeah.”

We came round the bend and there the woods opened up to reveal the Andrews’ magnificent home. The place was a stone fortress, all gothic arches and mullioned windows. I loved it. Jonah, too.
“Janey.”
I turned. Gordon was standing nearby.
“I saw you coming up the hill,” he said. “No car?”
“Our parents went out,” I explained. I wanted to ask, how could he possibly see us from up here? The hill was wooded and the house didn’t look out over the road.
“Okay, well I can drive you home.”
I felt Jonah deflate just a little bit. No rides in Martin’s flashy car tonight. Gordon led us inside.

We were sitting in what he called the reading room, our books piled on a large table. The room was lined with bookshelves and some very comfortable looking chairs were placed here and there. The house was like an old museum, full of antiques and curiosities. One room had a display of stone busts, carved from colourful rock. Another was full of old and peculiar doctors’ instruments. In contrast to the richly furnished living and dining rooms, the kitchen was all modern stainless steel appliances and white marble countertops. Gordon explained to us where some of the things came from, family heirlooms and trips to Europe, but other questions he left unanswered. Like about a collection of butterflies on one wall, and what’s in the basement.

As we arranged our things on the table, I finally asked one last question about the house. “Where is everyone?”
“Around. Upstairs, I guess.”
Gordon hadn’t shown us the upstairs.
We did our math homework and made up some flashcards for history. It was all very normal. I didn’t know what I was expecting to happen. I guess I just thought a night at the Andrews’ would be more interesting than memorizing names and dates. Kellie would be disappointed. We had worked hard on my outfit.

Gordon Confesses in Part 2

Musing: A Much Better Story Part 3

2006-10-01T19:46:00.000+01:00

Looking back, I wonder if I should have seen it coming. But no, there was no way. Gordon had never given any indication of liking me more than anyone else. I was shocked, flabbergasted.
“You what?” I said.
“I’m a vampire.”
“No, the other thing.”
“I love you?” Gordon smiled at me, giving me a patient look I sometimes saw teachers give small children.
“Um,” said Jonah. We turned to look at him. He was thinking hard, trying to find something to say that would make everything stop. But his mind was reeling and what came out was, “Does this mean you’re going to turn Janey into…into a vampire?”
“And you, too,” came the reply.
“But I don’t want to be a vampire,” I said, speaking for both of us.
“Fuck!” Gordon began pacing up and down the hall. “I knew this was a mistake. I should have just turned you. I should have just taken you. Shit!”

He rounded on us and we pressed ourselves against the wall. In an instant he was standing nearly on top of me, one hand on the wall between my brother and I. I was terrified of him and my sudden realization that I didn’t know the first thing about him only intensified my fear. So Gordon was a vampire. I thought I could handle a vampire. But seeing him all fired up, so angry when he was usually so calm, made me afraid.
“Gordon,” I breathed.
Jonah clapped a hand on Gordon’s arm. Gordon looked at him and lowered his arm. Jonah let go. And then Gordon pushed him. Jonah went skidding down the hall and came to rest at the foot of the priest. I moved to run after him, but Gordon held me against the wall. Jonah tried to get up but the priest stepped down on his chest, pinning him to the floor. Vampires were strong.

“Janey,” Gordon said. I looked at him. His expression softened and he looked again like the boy I was crushing on downstairs in the reading room. “I’m sorry. I lost my temper. I could never hurt you.”
I didn’t bother pointing out the contradiction. “I don’t know if I’ll still like you after this,” I said. It was a lame attempt at talking my way out of there. Of course I still kind of liked him. Even though he scared me and pushed my brother around. Love is, among other things, stupid.

Gordon smiled like he knew better. He took me in his arms, nuzzled and kissed my neck. Despite myself, I swooned just a little. “Now, are you ready to join me by my side as my bride of the night? Are you ready to be ravished, to be worshipped and praised by your first and true husband? Are you ready, Janey, to be with me?”
I scoffed. I couldn’t help it. “Where did you get that cra—”.
He bit my neck, cutting me off.

As he held me, as he drank my blood and my world grew dim, I looked to my brother. He was still on the floor, but the priest was bent over him, as if kneeling in supplication, and drinking from his neck. We locked eyes and together like this we died.

***

Jonah and I were physically and psychically stronger as vampires than we were as humans. But nothing else changed, really. We acted out being human for the remainder of high school and went through the motions of applying to university, slowly severing our ties to our family and friends. It was a horribly painful and drawn-out process as love persisted in some places. We moved overseas for a while to make it easier on our parents and ourselves, but we made sure they didn’t want for love from their children.

Eventually, inevitably, a day arrived when we were completely free from our past human lives. It was sad, sadder than I anticipated and the Andrews bravely, and, I thought, kindly, put up with two very morose vampires. The depression lasted for some time as we mourned our loss. And then we acted out, like petulant teenagers. Rebelling against the rules laid down by the Andrews, attacking people, breaking things. I turned on Gordon, who, true to his word, had never hurt me again either physically or emotionally. I taunted him, I blamed him, I threw everything in his stupid face. And then when I tired of that, I took to sulking. Jonah had moved on, accepted his new life, and tried very hard to reason with me. But I shut him out. I shut everyone out.

“Quit being such a drama queen.” It was Jonah. He found me in an attic.
“Piss off,” I said and moved some stuff around. The people downstairs thought they had a ghost. It was fun.
“Enough’s enough. Look, everyone’s been really patient with you, with us, but no one’s saying what needs to be said. You’ve turned into a huge pain in the ass. Gordon didn’t make you a vampire so you could sulk for eternity.”
Jonah threw a box against a wall. We heard the people downstairs muttering fearfully.
“This kind of fun,” he said. “But you’re a vampire, not a fucking ghost.”
Talk grew louder downstairs about excising the ghost. We heard footsteps in the hall below us.
Said Jonah, “I’m not leaving here without you.”
“What about Gordon?” I asked. I was afraid I’d gone too far, that I’d finally pushed him away.
Jonah motioned out the window. “He’s not leaving either.” Gordon was standing in the yard.
Below us someone grabbed hold of the trapdoor and started to pull. “I can hear talking,” a voice said. “I think there are people up there.”
“WHAT?” came the terrified reply. “Well, don’t go up!”
“Give ‘em a break, Janey.”
I could fight against Gordon and the Andrews all I wanted, but I couldn’t and didn’t want to fight my brother, too. It was like fighting against myself and fighting myself had landed me in a crowded attic pretending to be something I’m not. I kicked an old trunk and the trapdoor froze half open.
“I’m going in,” said the man at the door.
“Jesus, Leo.”
The door opened and Leo climbed up the stairs. He turned on the light but then Jonah and I smashed the bulbs. Leo turned on a flashlight. I had to hand it to him, he was prepared. The beam passed over the assorted junk and found us standing by the open window. We bared our fangs and hissed at him.
“Holy shit!” Leo cried.
“What? What is it? People?”
“Vampires,” Leo said. “Fucking vampires!”
Vampires, indeed.

Reading Way Too Much Into Things

2006-08-08T01:38:00.003+01:00

Here you will find links to selected movie trailers and my over analysis of each. The first link will also provide you with a brief introduction to the project, which I don't feel like repeating here.

Enjoy!

Trailer the first - The Hills Run Red
Trailer the second - Whiteout
Trailer the third - Carriers
Trailer the fourth - Surrogates
Trailer the fifth - Legion
Trailer the sixth - The Vamipre's Assisstant

Insanity Plea

2006-08-03T17:47:00.005+01:00

Here you will find links to Project: Insanity Plea, sometimes referred to as "The John Carpenter Crazy Watch" on TheAvod. Someone once told me you could track Carpenter's descent into madness through his movies, so I took it upon myself to watch all his movies to find the breaking point.

Part 1 - Introduction
Part 2 - Assault on Precinct 13
Part 3 - Halloween
Part 4 - The Fog
Part 5 - Escape From New York
Part 6 - The Thing
Part 7 - Big Trouble in Little China
Part 8 - Christine
Part 9 - Starman
Part 10 - Prince of Darkness
Part 11 - They Live
Part 12 - Memoirs of an Invisible Man
Part 13 - In the Mouth of Madness
Part 14 - Village of the Damned
Part 15 - Escape From LA
Part 16 - Vampires
Part 17 - Ghosts of Mars
Part 18 - Postmortem

The Horror!

2006-01-21T22:25:00.007Z

I swear to God, I did not make this.

Here are links to my horror-related posts.

9 or 10 Greatest Horror Movies
The Girl Next Door Book Report
Dance of the Dead
Movie Poster Rip-Off
More Of The Same
Rob Zombie's Unfortunate Franchise
Sex and Drugs and Genre Film
Sex and Sex and Genre Film
Sid Haig
Twilight Book Report
Twilight Movie Review

And a terrifying picture of a dog.

Don't click on this link

Do-Over

2006-01-06T04:25:00.002Z

Here are links to the do-over films, the movie's I've decided to give another chance. That picture there is a book cover. I chose it for a number of reasons, not least of which is the fact that people seem to be riding the chairlift down the mountain.

Part 1 - Introduction
Part 2 - Event Horizon